Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Before leaving for work this morning, my wife asked me to wash the dog.
The good news is, he smells great. The bad news is, the dogs dead and the washing machine's fucked.

[Stirts]

First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection.

And now the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.

Which proves one thing ... she swallows.

[Banditbandit]

First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection.

And now the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.

Which proves one thing ... she swallows.

The Queen .. and Phil the Greek .. Oral Sex !!!! What are ya? a republican? Lizzie's a good little middle class girl ... and the epitomy of our morals !!!

[Stirts]

The Queen .. and Phil the Greek .. Oral Sex !!!! What are ya? a republican? Lizzie's a good little middle class girl ... and the epitomy of our morals !!!

Yeah, she never minds the bollocks!!

[Swoop]

I got pulled over by the police yesterday.

"Do you know why I've stopped you sir?"

I said "Listen mate I already pay your wage, I'm not doing your fuckin' job for you as well."

[Drew]

I was on an engineering forum today.

Was talking about 10mm bolts with a pitch of 1.5mm. Then some guy starts rabbiting on about 8x1.25mm bolts.

Turns out I was in the wrong thread.

[Daffyd]

Police raid a house of ill repute in McLaggan Street in Dunedin in the early 60's.

They burst in the front door where there's a chinese gent waiting in the hall. Cop pulls out his notebook and asks him his name. "Ting".

He bursts through the first door on the right, where there's another chinese gent in bed with a pro. Out comes the notebook again... "Name?"

"Ting".

"Hey, wait a minnit; The guy in the hall was Ting. Are you related?"

"Yes, he my brudda. He Wai Ting, I Woo Ting."

[Laava]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Laava]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Swoop]

The results of a survey out today say 63% of people say manners aren't as good as they used to be.
The other 37% told the researcher to fuck off.

[Banditbandit]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"


Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[MSTRS:Me]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

[MSTRS:Me]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did." responded his friend. ''He can't swim''.

[DMNTD:Me]

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

[MSTRS:Me]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy replied.