Friday jokes

[Smokin]

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

[DMNTD:Me]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a
fatal car accident
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.




"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Swoop]

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

[Swoop]

Is it just me or would this papal election be far more interesting if they treated it like The Hunger Games?

[shafty]

Holy smoke!

[Banditbandit]

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune???

[DMNTD:Me]

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

[crazyhorse]

A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'



(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)

[YellowDog]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they
got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a
little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd
better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the
last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."

[MSTRS:Me]

A grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where her grandson was wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he had been swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds "He had a hat".

[Stirts]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The Father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your Mother if she'd have sex with the Mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the Mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of sluts."

[YellowDog]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[slofox]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Lancashire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar. He announces that his wife has just given birth to a typical Lancashire baby boy. The baby weighs 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. But the rugby fan just shrugs and replies:- “That's about average in Lancashire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Lancashire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player that lad.”


Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Here Mate…..aren't you the father of that typical Lancashire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”


The proud father answers:- “Twenty pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. “Eeeeh Mate…… What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”


The Lancashireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer………… Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve………………….. Leans into the bartender and says quietly………………..

“We had him circumcised...”!!

[DMNTD:Me]

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: .....
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. ... This one's black.

[MSTRS:Me]

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about my granny's moustache!!