Friday jokes

**MSTRS:Me** · 22nd March 2013, 11:54

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "These Idiots won't let me fart".

**Stirts** · 22nd March 2013, 11:57

Originally Posted by MSTRS

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about my granny's moustache!!

Your granny's moustache is the least of your worries...

Not really R rated - more like [gag rated]

**YellowDog** · 22nd March 2013, 13:08

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.... 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

**Juzz976** · 24th March 2013, 17:54

husband asks wife "Why don't you let me know when you orgasm?"

Wife "I don't like to call you at work"

**Swoop** · 26th March 2013, 07:04

I was shopping in south Auckland yesterday and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.

I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid."

He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."

I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!"

**Akzle** · 26th March 2013, 16:33

and I was in south auckland.. saw two kids in a tandem pram, one quite light with mousy blond hair, the other a bit darker, with black hair,
the mum waddled over, about 250 lbs, black as night, wearing stubbies and a halter top.
i thought i'd better say something, so "what nice twins you have"
she said "thanks, but how did you know they were twins, they do look quite different..."

"just figured, 'cos who the hell would fuck you twice?!"

**Banditbandit** · 27th March 2013, 10:51

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

**Banditbandit** · 27th March 2013, 10:52

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

**<G>** · 28th March 2013, 10:52

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the roadand pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

It says,

"Hair Spray

Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter and safe riding!

**Maha** · 28th March 2013, 11:31

I thought it was Bunny....not a Hare (hair) I am so confused.

Writer of said joke missed the obvious pun about reviving the bounce...which could be attached to both the Hare and Hair....and a Bunny for that matter.

**doc** · 28th March 2013, 11:33

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Australian
National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test done while visiting
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" squealed the nurse.

**pete376403** · 28th March 2013, 11:55

I was sitting in the train, opposite this beautiful Thai girl.

As I stared at her tits, I was thinking "don't get an erection...don't get an erection..."

but she did.

**eelracing** · 28th March 2013, 12:02

"G'day mate,Fosters helpline,what's the problem mate?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet,and now her fanny has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate."

"Thank's,that's what I thought too mate,bye."

**Banditbandit** · 28th March 2013, 13:23

A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're in your office."

**Maha** · 28th March 2013, 13:46

Originally Posted by Juzz976

husband asks wife "Why don't you let me know when you orgasm?"

Wife "I don't like to call you at work"

Originally Posted by Banditbandit

A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're in your office."

ah haaaaa the 'Copy and Paste' thread is working well....four days and nine posts apart.