A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"
The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're on KiwiBiker."
Sir Cumference
A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"
The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're on KiwiBiker."
Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)
Likes Jiggle in the Wiggle
How are you supposed to know when to move the laptop so she doesn't hit her head????Originally Posted by Virago
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
Victor is sitting on his usual train to London and across from him is a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has no underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Vic replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Victor, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Victor rushes over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Victor replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.
"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.
"Because of the recession?" I asked.
"No" he replied. "I've been forced off of the benefit and made to get a fucking job."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
KB's Chief Cats
that punch line works on more than one level
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I don't think Kim Jong-Un is the problem. I'm worried about his military advisors Kil Yan Kee, Noo Kem, Chu Tem and Wi Kan Win.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said “He’s got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
Has left the building
William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, has withdrawn his new range of women's lingerie, it turns out "Shatner Knickers" is not such a good product name after all
Grumpy Old Bastard
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
Anarchic Wild Child
If sex with three people is called a threesonme and sex with two people is called a twosome - you know why the call you 'handsome'
My wife is a sex object - I ask for sex and she objects ...
Experts predict that computers will eventually eliminate the need for paper .. they've obviously never tried to wipe their arse with a laptop ...
There are two words people need to learn because they will open many doors for them ... the words are "push" and "pull".
My wife asked me to see things from a woman's point of view .. so I looked out the kitchen window ...
The most common sex position for married couples is doggie style - the husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead ..
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I went to a Muslim strip club last night.
As soon as the girls got down to their suicide vests, all the blokes started shouting "Set them off! Set them off!"
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
KB's Chief Cats
A cocky was leaning back on a post in his paddock up maungakaramea ways, when a 7 series BMW pulled up.
The driver rolled down the window, revealing a middle aged bloke in a flash suit and designer sunnies.
"if i tell you exactly how many cows and calves are on your property, can i have a calf"?
Cocky thinks about it, an says, "yeah sure"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry with a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then he says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "yeah, sure"
"You're a Politician for the Government",
"well, that's right" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cocky, "you showed up uninvited, expect to get paid to waste millions of dollars of resources to give me an answer i already knew, to a question i never asked, you don't know a thing about animals or farming. this is a flock of sheep...
...now give me my fucking dog back"
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.
We are well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fucking likely a few of America's would land on us due to their "friendly fire" mistakes!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Just got the South Auckland version of the Monopoly game. All the houses are boarded up, the bank has been robbed and the jail is full.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Anarchic Wild Child
It's one of life's little mysteries how a woman can eat a 2lb box of chocolates and gain 5lbs on her hips ...
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks