And told by a bona fide A-lister
Keep on chooglin'
Justin Bieber has a pet monkey?
Why do I feel that 15 years from now he'll be black and molesting children?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
I agree with Justin Bieber, Anne Frank would have loved his music.
It's perfect for being played really quietly so no one can hear it.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
"That's nice," I thought, "two lips from Amsterdam."
My Dad worked on the council's roadwork department for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider a blow-job.
I told her I fully understood and respected her decision.
I said I'd give her a call nearer the time!
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as "Oral High Jean".
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and gentle caressing usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
A woman is walking down the street and saw a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY-LICKING FROG £25"
Curious, the woman proceeded inside and said to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny-licking frog please."
The shop keeper replied, "Bonjour! Mai oui!"
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects.
A black bird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on welfare benefits."
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag.
He radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
Arthur Davidson in Heaven
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
Top 10 Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave at Other Motorcyclists.
10) They're way too cool to acknowledge any non-Harley riders.
9) They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
8) Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
7) The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
6) Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
5) They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
4) They're too busy figuring out how to pay for the next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
3) If we really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
2) They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
1) They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife
awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
"What are we going to do," ? His horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it!!"
I've spent my money on bikes, booze and babes. The rest I've wasted....
The explosion at a fertiliser plant in Texas can only mean one thing.
The North Koreans want a turf war!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Bookmarks