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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #2041
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    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
    Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
    find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier
    standing next to a Land Rover, selling regimental ties.

    The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is
    no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They
    are only £10

    The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
    tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
    "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to
    buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
    that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

    If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
    will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

    "Inshallah.."

    Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

    Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

    "They won't let me in without a tie!"

  2. #2042
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    An American arrives in Paris and takes a taxi. When they pass the Arc
    de Triomphe, the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
    The taxi driver answers with pride: ‘That's the Arc de Triomphe to celebrate the magnificent victories of la France.’
    The American asks: ‘How long did it take to build that?’
    ‘Five years' responds the taxi driver.
    ‘Back home that would take three days.’, states the American.

    They drive to the Eiffel Tower and the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
    to which the taxi driver replies: ‘I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning'

  3. #2043
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    They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
    You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

    The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.



    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  4. #2044
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    25th April 2009 - 17:38
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    Quote Originally Posted by YellowDog View Post
    An American arrives in Paris and takes a taxi. When they pass the Arc
    de Triomphe, the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
    The taxi driver answers with pride: ‘That's the Arc de Triomphe to celebrate the magnificent victories of la France.’
    The American asks: ‘How long did it take to build that?’
    ‘Five years' responds the taxi driver.
    ‘Back home that would take three days.’, states the American.

    They drive to the Eiffel Tower and the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
    to which the taxi driver replies: ‘I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning'
    Billy T did that one first...

    "A shark on whiskey is mighty risky, but a shark on beer is a beer engineer" - Tad Ghostal

  5. #2045
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    I seen a women standing at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.. I stopped & said "since ur about to kill yourself,could we have a root.. She said "fuck off you queer cunt! I said fine, i'll just go wait at the bottom....

  6. #2046
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    God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven. the man says he'll try. God visits him a week later to see how he's getting on. "not bad" says the man, "i've given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer i had to fuck her up the ass." "they dont like that sort of thing in heaven" said God. the man replied, "their not too fucking happy about it in Pakn Save either".

  7. #2047
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    Mistaken Identity.

    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when, from the kitchen I heard my wife say:
    "What would you like for dinner my love - chicken, beef or
    lamb?"
    I said, 'Thanks dear, I'll have chicken please.'
    She replied,
    "You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!"
    "Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."

  8. #2048
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    The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  9. #2049
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    John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
    John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
    everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

    Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
    Keep on chooglin'

  10. #2050
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    I just explained Google images to my mum.

    'Pick anything to search for', I said.

    She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

    'Except that.' I said.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #2051
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    Another "TRUE" Story from the news......

    Dinner ladies at a kids school have been banned from baking triangular flapjacks after a school branded them DANGEROUS, the UK's Sun newspaper (comic) reported. Kitchen staff were ordered to cook rectangular or square snacks instead after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying oaty morsel. The Year 7 lad suffered a “sore eye” when he was accidentally struck in the face by the 4in-long snack chucked by another child. He was instantly patched up and sent home for the afternoon from Castle View School on Canvey Island in Essex (UK) but School Head, Gill Thomas quickly decided to ban kitchen staff from baking the three-sided desserts — ruling only rectangular or square or flapjacks should be served.

    A spokesman for the health and Safety Executive said: "We often come across half-baked decisions taken in the name of health and safety, but this one takes the biscuit. The real issue isn't what shape the flapjacks are, but the fact that pupils are throwing them at each other - and that's a matter of discipline, and has got nothing to do with health and safety as we know it. We're happy to make clear that flapjacks of all shapes and sizes continue to have our full backing”.

  12. #2052
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    26th September 2006 - 16:33
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    She's single...
    She lives right across the street.
    I can see her house from my living room.
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.
    I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
    She knocked on my door...
    I rushed to open it.
    She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
    Are you busy tonight?"
    I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
    Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
    "Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination."

  13. #2053
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    Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
    "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
    "German" she replies.
    "Occupation?"
    "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  14. #2054
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    A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

    He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,
    "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

    The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

    Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

    He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

    The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
    too".
    When life throws you a curve ... Lean into it ...

  15. #2055
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    ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

    And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

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