Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections as an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

As he was filling in the form, he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''

So, he asked the receptionist - "Why is this question necessary?"

She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".

He asked, "Why? What difference it would THAT make?"
"Well,", she replied, "to become a politician, you must be a COMPLETE prick!"

[Swoop]

I was at waiting at traffic lights when a business man in a black BMW 7 series pulled up beside me. What I saw next shocked and dumbfounded me.

He was not on his mobile phone and he was using his indicators.

[swtfa]

A real woman really is man's best friend.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires.
She makes him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible... No... Wait... wait.
I'm thinking of beer, it's fcking beer that does that! Sorry!

[Swoop]

My friend who's into modified cars just told me he's had a new dump valve fitted.

Poor bastard. I had no idea they could even do anus transplants.

[MSTRS:Me]

Two guys in a bar. One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Woah what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house and BANG! He hit a power pole and the car flips up and he got catapulted through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him - he survived that too. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted. 10,000 volts shot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house!!"

[YellowDog]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and Ill help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife wont like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting sessions, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said....

[Banditbandit]

An article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

[gwigs]

Jehovas Witness

[Swoop]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

An Australian's wet dream.

[gwigs]

Homless guy asks for money...

[Swoop]

I had a phone call from the school today.

They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are Cunts' in giant letters across the playground."

"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."

"Well, he did." she replied, "I watched him."

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner."

[Maha]

''What do you call a retractable maori''?
''I don't know, what do you call a retractable maori''?

''Bungy Walters''

[Laava]

''What do you call a retractable maori''?
''I don't know, what do you call a retractable maori''?

''Bungy Walters''

Hahahaha! You'ld have to be an old cunt to get that!

[Subike]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[Maha]

Hahahaha! You'ld have to be an old cunt to get that!

I told Anne that I had made up this joke, she said then same thing, that not a lot would get that...
It came to me after hearing/viewing the Sailing Away video clip of 87'