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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #181
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    This morning my wife rolls over and asks me what I'm doing today.
    "Nothing" I said
    She said, "But you did nothing yesterday"
    "I know" I said, "I'm not finished yet"
    Learn basic maintenance as motorcycle boots are not comfortable for walking in

  2. #182
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    I was in a clothes shop today and I saw a nigger choosing a polyester shirt..... I thought, that's weird, they usually pick cotton......................

  3. #183
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    Nine words women use

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are Right and you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

    (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

  4. #184
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------






    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    (Hardly seems worth it.)


    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

    (Now that's more like it !)


    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    (O.M.G.!)





    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

    (In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)




    (I'm still not over the pig.)


    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

    (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

    (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)





    The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Something I always wanted to know.)




    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

    (Hmmmmmm......)


    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

    (Okay, so that would be a good thing)



    A cat's urine glows under a black light.

    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out)


    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain..

    (I know some people like that.)


    Starfish have no brains

    (I know some people like that too.)


    Polar bears are left-handed.

    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    (What about that pig??)
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  5. #185
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    21st May 2009 - 17:32
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    Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

    When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

    Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

    The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

    Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play golf on Fridays.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  6. #186
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    21st May 2009 - 17:32
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    NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are Right and you need to shut up.
    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
    (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.



    * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

  7. #187
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    Apparently theres a new drinking game in Cumbria... You win if you can survive 12 shots!



    12 dead, 25 injured. This is what happens when you let a bird get behind the wheel.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  8. #188
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    Apparently theres a new drinking game in Cumbria... You win if you can survive 12 shots!



    12 dead, 25 injured. This is what happens when you let a bird get behind the wheel.
    Oh no! Too soon!

  9. #189
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathan View Post
    Oh no! Too soon!
    Oh dear...


    Well, that's the last time I get in a Cumbrian taxi and 'call shotgun'.



    Mark Austin on ITN; "What drove Derrick Bird to murder 12 people?"

    It was a Citroen Picasso, you told the viewers earlier, you daft cunt.



    You gotta feel sorry for the crossbow cannibal. A Ph.D. in mass killings, but only one week in the news and he's out done by a fucking taxi driver.




    In other news:

    The government was pleased to announce unemployment figures fell by 12 today.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #190
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    25th March 2007 - 12:04
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    you made me wee my pants Mr Swoop


    The weathers been good today, although I hear in Cumbria its minus 12.



    Apparently Derrick Bird was a nobody when he started his taxi driving career....
    .....but recently he's shot up the ranks.


    i've heard the quickest way to scotland is up the m6 and shoot through Cumbria.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  11. #191
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    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
    of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.
    " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
    " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
    " I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
    “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

  12. #192
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    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

  13. #193
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    Apparently Derrick Bird was a nobody when he started his taxi driving career....
    .....but recently he's shot up the ranks.
    He must be making a name for himself in golf too. I heard last week he started well with a birdie on the 1st and finished 12-under!

  14. #194
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    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

    Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

    'About 32,' is the reply.'

    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

    The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.



    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

    It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

    She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

    He slips both of his hands under

    her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

    He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

    He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

    The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

    'I promise I won't,' she says.

    'I was behind you at McDonalds!'

  15. #195
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    A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

    He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

    A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

    "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

    "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
    WISDOM IS KNOWING KARMA REALLY CAN'T GET YOU.

    SPEED KILLS, BUT YOU GET THERE FASTER

    DILLIGAF = Does it look like I give a FUCK - Hell no!

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