Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
After being ill for a week, my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit. As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head.
"I've been looking through your records Mr. Swoop, and it doesn't look good" said the doctor.
"Oh my god" I replied nervously. "Is it that bad doc?"
"I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fire's greatest hits, Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow and Abba. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Has left the building
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
Anarchic Wild Child
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
"Why the fuck do you have to have your cunt on show every time a picture is taken?" I asked.
"Thank you for your email. She is the co-leader of the green party, and as such she needs to be in the pictures" came the reply from Russell Norman.
Edit: This is a "jokes" thread. If you don't find it funny, expect red rep in return for your red rep.
Fuckin' hippies.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Dickens Cider
It's no wonder the Eagles became millionaires.
They could tell the future. "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave."
Twats knew about Facebook 37 years ago.
No body move... I dropped my brain
Scooter boy
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
There was a knock at my door last night, "Hello Sir, can I ask you if you will be voting for us in the forthcoming election."
"Yes"
"OK sir thank you."
"What for?"
"Your vote."
"I am not voting for you"
"But you said you were"
"No I didn't"
"There seems to be a misunderstanding here"
"It's shit when you are being given bullshit and made to believe something else isn't it?
Welcome to the voters view of politics, now fuck off."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Dickens Cider
Sitting in a Parisians type café earlier, I asked the waiter:
"What do you have to put on my salad?"
"Le Mayo" he replied.
"What the fuck's so funny about that?" I said.
No body move... I dropped my brain
The instructions are simple...
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your mother?" The little girl says "Forty". The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old are you?" The little girl says "I'm seven years old". The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant". The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Has left the building
A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly
beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the dishes!!
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5.
"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Just had a sexting 3some with my girlfriend and the GCSB.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
They call me Mr Fahrenheit
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.
Keep on chooglin'
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
L-Plate Rider
I met a girl last week who siad she likes her guys to be funny and spontaneous.
When I put on a clown mask and tapped on her kitchen window late last night
it was all screaming and panic.
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