Friday jokes

[Juniper]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[Swoop]

Justin Bieber has been photographed kissing a young man in a New York club.

That should stop all the stories about her being a lesbian.

[Geeen]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[DMNTD:Me]

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die after Hone Harawira becomes prime minister

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

[Swoop]

I like to play Catholic Chess.

What happens is that the Bishop can mate any piece that takes his fancy ...

They are then both moved to a new chessboard in a different room, and the whole thing's forgotten.

[roogazza]

For the redneck brigade on Friday.

[Swoop]

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the fucking toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my fucking breakfast on!"



In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.


Presumably Oprah Winfrey wants equality for black people.
Well, there's nothing more equal than starving African children and a fat multi-millionaire buying vanity products in Switzerland.


I spent $96 on TradeMe today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.
It was the grater of two evils.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Rohypnol is cheaper,
Than dinner for two.


I've just created a new board game for Muslims called 'Atrocity'.
It's just like Monopoly except you start with the buildings on the board.

[Swoop]

A bloke buys a parrot from the local pet-shop but every time he walks past its cage it keeps saying,

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

After a few days of this, the bloke goes back to the shop for some advice.

'He's just lonely,' says the shop-keeper. 'Put this female parrot in his cage - he'll have some company and be as happy as Larry!'

The next morning the bloke goes downstairs and finds the female dead at the bottom of the cage. The parrot just stands there saying,

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

So the bloke goes back to the shop and this time he comes back with a kestrel hawk and puts it in the cage. The next morning he goes downstairs to find the kestrel stone dead. The parrot just stands there once more, saying

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

Exasperated, the bloke goes back to the shop and tells the shop-keeper to sort it out this time or he'll give the parrot back and have a refund. The shop-keeper gives the bloke a Golden Eagle. The bloke goes home and puts the Eagle into the cage. The next morning the bloke checks the cage and finds the Golden Eagle dead at the bottom, and the parrot missing all of its feathers. The parrot says,

"I had to take my coat off for that fucker!"

[unstuck]

[YellowDog]

I was standing in a bar in Auckland yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick." - WHACK, POW, SMAAAASH...............

[Juniper]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[crazyhorse]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

[doc]

This was in my Inbox today



Down at the Registry Office....

Hi David

In light of today being the first day that genderless 'marriages' have been introduced in to New Zealand, we thought this commentary was timely.

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage licence."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licences to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest! Why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licences to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your licence. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licences to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The politicians said there should be equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage licence!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage licence."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return........"

"That does it! I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"
(Source unknown)

We trust that gives you a smile on a Monday! Says it all, doesn't it.

Have a good week.





Bob McCoskrie
National Director


















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[Marmoot]

Is the punchline of that joke actually on the "financial benefits" part?

[Juniper]

A guy went to see his psychologist and tells him he has a great temptation to put his penis in the pickle slicer at work, he goes on to say the more he thinks about it the harder he gets. The shrink tells him about the extreme damage and pain it would cause.

This went on for several months at every visit with the doctor, he would talk about how bad he wanted to put his dick in the pickle slicer, and the doctor would warn against it. Finally he wore down the doctor who said, if you so badly want to, go ahead and do it, and get it over with, but make sure the pickle slicer is off when you do it.

The man could hardly wait and after work, when the factory was closed, he did it. The boss seen him do it, and fired him. He went home to his wife and told her the whole story, and she immediately yanked his pants down and looked at his penis. She said, Thank God it did not hurt your penis, but if your penis is not hurt, what happened to the pickle slicer? He looked shameful and said She got fired also.