Friday jokes

[unstuck]

Taken from actual exchanges between pilots and control towers..........

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, 1 o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number 1 for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot & thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights & return to the airport."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; & yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."


The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, & taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio & said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours & I'll have enough parts for another one."


A PanAm 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control & a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha 1-7."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway & slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Standby Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark - & I didn't land."


A Luftansa pilot approaching London was heard telling his crew about his war-time exploits as a bomber pilot, with the mike deliberately left on: “Zis is where we used to assemble, then follow ze Thames river up to our targets in London”.
Out of the blue, another pilot with a British accent screamed into his mike: “Achtung!!! Spitfire!!!”


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn & came nose-to-nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C & D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there & don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, & I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, & how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence & keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Juniper]

I hope you mean Rep..... not some thing else.....

No he meant something else!

[unstuck]

No he meant something else!

OI, I can hear you.

[YellowDog]

Little Charlie and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to
Ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much thought into this.

"Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.

[Stirts]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of me congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub owner looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub!"

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Swoop]

When I saw the plumber's van parked outside the house, I feared the worst.

But thankfully, he was just fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

[Stirts]

Husband comes home early to see how the plumber was getting on, only to find him doing his wife doggy style over the kitchen sink.

He lost it completely "You stupid slag," he screamed "do you have any idea how much he charges to plug a hole that size?"

[T.W.R]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace,take us to your leader"
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became agitated at the lack of response.

The older alien said: "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying: "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad" "Rubbish", replied the cocky young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy fried friend and replied:

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear!"

[Swoop]

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses!

[roogazza]

[Banditbandit]

Three nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game.

Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think i'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana .. there are only 50 nuns living there!"

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there!"

The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men and, in a very sweet and calm voice said,


"Why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there at all."

[Juniper]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

[Juniper]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".

[Juniper]

5 types of sex.

Pension Sex : Two men were talking.
"So, How's your sex life?"
"Oh, Nothing special. I am having pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
Loud Sex : A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc.
Everytime we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink says,"that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
Quiet Sex : Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell
me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
Confounded Sex : A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery as it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for "small"
$6,500 for "medium"
$14,000 for "large"
The man was sure he would want medium or large, but the
doctor urged him to talk to his wife before he made a
decision. The man called his wife and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man in
tears.
"What, seems to be the problem? Are you able to financially
afford what you want?" the doctor asked.
The man looked up and with tears in his eyes replied, "She
would rather remodel the kitchen."
Wedding Anniversary Sex : A husband and his wifehad a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that
reads: Here lies my wife - Cold as ever."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, i'm getting a
headstone that reads: Here lies my husband -
Stiff at last."

[Banditbandit]

An oldie - and likely a repost - but still funny

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside the Beehive. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Parliament, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a litre."