Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".


"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three fucking months to find a priest up here who'd left the choir boys alone.....

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a devil worshiping cunt of a lawyer, who hadn't done what they do best?"

[Daffyd]

A new coast guard trainee was left alone on watch for the first time. Before leaving him to go get a beer, the watch chief said “I won’t be long. Just remember to use English when talking to the ships and if you don’t understand them ask them to clarify what they’re saying”.

Soon after that the trainee heard a distress call.
“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!”

“Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is zee coast guard. I have received your message.”

After a couple of minutes the call came again:
“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!”

The trainee replied:
“Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is zee coast guard. I have received your message.”

‘Coast guard! This is sailing yacht Seagoon again! We are SINKING!! Do you understand? WE ARE SINKING. WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED IT NOW.“

“Err yes, sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is Zzee coast guard. What you are sinking about pleez?”

[roogazza]

Not Friday yet but :

[Swoop]

Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?

[Stirts]

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again…

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

[Juniper]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another & they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it & attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well" he said: "I went into the woods to find me a bear and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed: "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[haydes55]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him
.
Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Juniper]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
Second, "What the fuck happened to Walter?"

[unstuck]

^^^^^^ Thats a good one Juniper.

[ellipsis]

I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[Swoop]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

[Stirts]

Taking a woman up the arse is a lot like riding a motorbike.

You're highly likely to get bird shit on your helmet.

[Juniper]

Two small boys are arguing on a train. The first says 'No! It's spelled W.O.O.M.' The second boy says, 'Nah! It's spelled 'W.H.O.O.M.'. A nun sitting opposite leans forward and says, 'Actually, boys, you're both wrong. Womb is spelled 'W.O.M.B.' The first little boy scowls at her and says, 'What are you talking about? I bet you've never even seen a Hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater.'

[wharekura]

Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?

That explains Jesus resurrection!

[Juniper]

A man is driving down a country road when he is passed by what looks like a chicken doing at least 90 miles an hour. The man tries to catch up to the chicken and ses it turn sharp left into a driveway leading to a farm.
The man pulls into the farm and asks the farmer about the chicken. The farmer says he is trying to breed a chickens with more legs so the are less arguments at the dinner table over who gets a leg. He says his best breed so far has three legs. The man asks what the new breed tastes like. The farmer replies,
"I don't know. I haven't caught one yet!"