Friday jokes

[Dangsta]

How do you know when you've been robbed by a gang of Asians?

When you get back home, all your homework is done and they're still trying to back out of the driveway....

[Swoop]

So October becomes stoptober, give up smoking month and some bright spark has decided that we should give up drinking as well for the month. We only need to be told to try and give up bacon and there it is.

Ramadan by stealth.

[Banditbandit]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Banditbandit]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before
we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

[Swoop]

America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

[Juniper]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

“Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone , and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the cowboy and says

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man,

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

“Okay, why not?”

“You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. … Now give me back my dog.”

[unstuck]

A cowboy named Bud joke.”

[Juniper]

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on and comes to a stop.
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
"You were driving so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[Juniper]

Three men are waiting to get into heaven. First man appears at the Gates.
St. Peter, looking in the big book. "You have been an Alcoholic and a drunkard all your life, why you even named your daughter Sherry. You ain't coming in today!"
Second man appears.
St. Peter, looking in the big book. "You have been a conman all your life and worshiped money, why you even named your daughter Penny. You ain't coming in today!"
The third man hears this, turns to walk away and says to the fourth man. "I've got no chance, I called my daughter Fanny!"

[Juniper]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Banditbandit]

[Banditbandit]

[Juniper]

An old man appears at the Pearly Gates and says to St. Peter that he is looking for is Son. He says that his son has holes in his hands ans feet.
St. Peter picks up his phone and calls Jesus.
St. Peter. "Jesus, there is an old guy here who thinks he's the Boss. Would you come down and humour him?"
Jesus. "Ok, I'll be there shortly."
Jesus arrives at the gates, looks at the old man and says. "Father?"
Old man. "Pinochio?"

[DanielM8]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shakes his head sadly and says, "I'm so sorry , Plucky has passed away." The distressed owner wails, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replies. "How can you be so sure," she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him, or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolls his eyes, turns around and leaves the room, and returns a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looks on in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws up on the examination table and carefully sniffs the duck. He then sits, looks up at the vet with sad eyes, and shakes his head. The vet pats the dog and takes it out, and returns a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumps up on the table and delicately sniffs the bird from bill, to webbed feet. The cat then sits back on its haunches, shakes its head, meows softly and leaves the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiably, dead duck." Then the vet turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill which he hands to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "$5000!", she cries, "$5000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugs. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab Report, and the Cat Scan......"


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[Smifffy]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.....

At first I thought this was going to be an aussie piss take of the unzud accent...