Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard.
Anarchic Wild Child
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
My local drunk policeman stopped me last night and said, "Dave, how much have you had to drink this evening?"
"Fucking loads," I replied.
"Top man," he said, "I'll need you to blow into this for me."
"What is it?" I asked.
He said, "A party horn."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
It's OK...I've got a spare!
Yeah, and he was the first person on the moon!Originally Posted by Juniper
...she took the KT, and left me the Buell to ride....(Blues Brothers)
Weekend cruiser
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, Bus driver!"
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Scooter boy
A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine.
He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’
’yes’ he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’ ’yes’ he replied.
then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’
Argo Solvo Interio Putus
Scooter boy
A woman was in Hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're banana stickers!"
Argo Solvo Interio Putus
Meow
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
Once upon a time there were three little pigs.
The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house."
So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.
The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!
But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito,and Dominic.
These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired.
Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins from North Jersey--the Guinea Pigs."
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Anarchic Wild Child
Today I was beaten up by a woman. I was in the elevator when that busty lassy got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
Recovery time 4 - 6 week.
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
They call me Mr Fahrenheit
An oldie:
Effed if I know what moron got let loose with a highlighter pen, or why, but there ya go.
Keep on chooglin'
The instructions are simple...
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed". That's DIRECT MARKETING.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says "She's fantastic in bed". That's ADVERTISING.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's TELEMARKETING.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's BRAND RECOGNITION.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a SALES REP.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's TECH SUPPORT.
You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's JUNK MAIL.
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Scooter boy
You say "I'm fantastic in bed." when you're not. That's FRAUD.
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a
ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
Anarchic Wild Child
A koala is sitting up a gum tree having a joint or three. A little lizard climbs the tree, sits besides the koala and asks: “Hey dude, what are you doing?”
The koala replies “having a joint – want some?”
“Sure” says the lizard. They sit in the tree getting high when the lizard says; “Hey man, my mouth is really dry. I’m going to the river to have a drink.”
He climbs down the tree and walks over to the river, but he’s so wasted he falls in. The lizard is thrashing around trying to get out, when a big crocodile swims over , picks him up in his mouth, puts him on the bank and asks: “Hey cuz, what’s wrong with you?”
“I’ve been up that tree over there, with that koala having a joint or three …”
“Right,” says the croc, “I’m going to sort out that koala.”
The croc walks over to the tree, looks up at the koala and yells; “Hey you – Koala!”
The koala takes a toke, looks down at the croc and says
“Faaark dude ... how much water did you drink?”
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
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