Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway
outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,

"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man
replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Juniper]

Ring-g-g-g-g-

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, . . . is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now!"

"Uh, okay, then . . . here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy screamed 'Sweet Jesus Frank, get off me', and ran around screaming down the hall with no clothes on, then she tripped over the rug and went flying down the stairs and now she's just layin there".

"Oh my God ! ! ! - And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He yelled 'Ugh", ran out of the bedroom with no clothes too, and jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool . . . but he must have forgot that you drained it last week, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just layin there too!

. . . . long pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????? Is this Jessica???"

"No, silly daddy, I'm Nikki, you know that".

[Juniper]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[Swoop]

I was delighted to get a blow up doll for my birthday, but wasn't so happy to find it had a penis and no tits.

I rang the manufacturer, only to be informed that I'd blown it up inside out.

Oops.

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and rode his motorcycle across the country.

[anebv8]

A Polish immigrant went to the AA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy.

[anebv8]

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people.

It's called "tech support."

[anebv8]

A Blonde is driving down the highway in her Vette when she see's another Blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field just a rowing like crazy.
She slams on her brakes and jumps out of the vette and screams at the second Blonde....
"It's Blondes like you that gives the rest of us a bad name! If i could swim id come out there and snatch you bald!"

[anebv8]

How do you get rid of a blonde after having sex with her?
You open the car door!

[anebv8]

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly for the freeway, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 mph"

The officer explains: "No ma'am, the speed limit is 70 mph. The highway number is Interstate 21."

Then the police officer looks at the passenger and sees the other nun shaking like a leaf.

"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 157

[YellowDog]

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.



I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'




I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[Juniper]

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[Robbo]

Friday Chuckle on sex



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a
good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom
factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she
objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best
thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try
Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too
small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the
enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He
was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's
life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!

[pete376403]

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.