Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and just drives on.

Soon, he sees another sign which says...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third sign...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

[Juniper]

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

[Maha]

But the Black Box is Orange.

[Juniper]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Banditbandit]

"I'm Jane" she said

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You just ask nicely" he replied

[Drew]

But the Black Box is Orange.

But is it pink on the inside?

[Maha]

But is it pink on the inside?

..that or Nicole Kidman should have been on the plane as well.

[Juniper]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL :
Female.. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[Swoop]

I gave my wife some money today and said, "I want you to go and see a psychic."

"Why?" she asked.

I replied, "I want to know what your Christmas turkey will turn out like this year so I can let the hospital know if they need to be on stand-by or not."

[Swoop]

Love this!

Clever bastards at Pixar. Watch through the end credits as well...

[YellowDog]

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up
and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ?'

'How long must this go on ?

This fighting between our nations ?

This hatred ?

This animosity ?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes ?'

[Banditbandit]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

[Scuba_Steve]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

... If only we did that in NZ!

A New Zealand man is still driving despite already celebrating a century on Earth, and he’s the oldest man in his country to do so at 105.

Bob Edwards got his first drivers license when he was 17 in 1925, and he learned on a French-made car that didn’t have a steering wheel, but rather a lever. He’s one of the oldest people on the road in the world, but he says it doesn’t really faze him. In fact, when he broke his hip a few years ago, he was warned by his doctor not to drive for at least six weeks, but because he drives an automatic he ignored the advice.

- while it's a joke, it's not the sort for this thread

[Ocean1]

... If only we did that in NZ!

A New Zealand man is still driving despite already celebrating a century on Earth, and he’s the oldest man in his country to do so at 105.

Bob Edwards got his first drivers license when he was 17 in 1925, and he learned on a French-made car that didn’t have a steering wheel, but rather a lever. He’s one of the oldest people on the road in the world, but he says it doesn’t really faze him. In fact, when he broke his hip a few years ago, he was warned by his doctor not to drive for at least six weeks, but because he drives an automatic he ignored the advice.

- while it's a joke, it's not the sort for this thread

Mate, at 105 as far as I'm concerned he's got the right to do whatever he wants.

[husaberg]

A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she knew there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."

Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " do her doggy style I rather have a puppy".

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!'
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room......'

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

A dad tell his son "Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind."
The son replied "Dad, I'm over here"

Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

Like The Movies
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?

"Turns out we watch different movies."