Page 159 of 351 FirstFirst ... 59109149157158159160161169209259 ... LastLast
Results 2,371 to 2,385 of 5254

Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #2371
    Join Date
    20th June 2007 - 17:08
    Bike
    2019 Triumph Bobber
    Location
    Manurewa, Auckland
    Posts
    30
    Little Johnny sneaks home from school one afternoon.

    When he gets into he house, he hears moaning coming from his mum's bedroom. He peeks around the door to see mum completely naked in front of the mirror, groping her own tits and rubbing her own coffee bean shouting "I want a man. I want a MAN. I want a MAAAAN!"

    The next day, Johnny sneaks home at the same time to hear the same moans from his mum's bedroom. This time, when peeks around the door, he sees his mum in bed with a fella.

    "She's got a man." though Johnny.

    So, the following day, Johnny sneaks home even earlier, takes all his clothes off, stands in front of the mirror in his mum's bedroom, then rubs his chest and tummy shouting "I wanna BIKE. I wanna BIKE..."

  2. #2372
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.

    The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car

    That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

    We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

    The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

    If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

    The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.

    The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.

    We shall now show you the way to the sound.

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Theman requests the key to the stone door.

    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

    ...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

    The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

    . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  3. #2373
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

    This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

    A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

    Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

    [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below].
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _
    _

    Answer:

    She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

    If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  4. #2374
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:
    "Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

    Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

    The rest are now in congress.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  5. #2375
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
    And they say blondes are dumb...

    A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
    'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
    The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

    'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
    'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
    A: A rumour

    Dear Lord,
    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

    ------------ --------------------------------
    Q: Why do little boys whine?
    A: They are practicing to be men.

    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A: Trustworthy..

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
    A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  6. #2376
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her room mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  7. #2377
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

    'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

    'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

    'OK', the little girl says,
    'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'

    'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

    'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

    The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

    'Well,' says the friend,
    'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
    It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

    The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

    'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

    The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
    'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

    'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

    'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

    'Because on your driving license it says you got an F in sex.'
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  8. #2378
    Join Date
    12th September 2004 - 17:40
    Bike
    09 GSX1400.
    Location
    Horowhenua NZ
    Posts
    3,894
    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	1384407279496.jpg 
Views:	90 
Size:	228.7 KB 
ID:	290075Click image for larger version. 

Name:	1463072_567411476679893_967866090_n.jpg 
Views:	91 
Size:	69.3 KB 
ID:	290076Click image for larger version. 

Name:	cat.jpg 
Views:	518 
Size:	49.2 KB 
ID:	290077Click image for larger version. 

Name:	1946.jpg 
Views:	86 
Size:	188.8 KB 
ID:	290078

  9. #2379
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    As I stood swaying from side to side at the Air NZ ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

    "Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Sydney please."

    "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

    I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #2380
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a
    confrontation, yelling could be
    heard deep into the night.
    The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
    grave and come back and
    haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To
    everyone's relief, he died of a
    heart attack when he was 98.
    His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her
    neighbors, concerned for her
    safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
    out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
    And I know he won't ask for directions.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  11. #2381
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    I phoned the doctors surgery this morning and said, "I'd like an appointment for my wife, she's got a really sore throat and can't speak."

    "I've got an appointment at 2.30 this afternoon if that's any good?" the receptionist asked.

    I replied, "No that's no good, I was looking forward to some piece and quiet so if you can book her in for sometime next week that will be fine."
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #2382
    Join Date
    12th September 2004 - 17:40
    Bike
    09 GSX1400.
    Location
    Horowhenua NZ
    Posts
    3,894
    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	UyETCeC.jpg 
Views:	74 
Size:	61.8 KB 
ID:	290142Click image for larger version. 

Name:	479938_431975826868495_1258575914_n.jpg 
Views:	72 
Size:	34.3 KB 
ID:	290143Click image for larger version. 

Name:	images.jpg 
Views:	96 
Size:	7.1 KB 
ID:	290133Click image for larger version. 

Name:	Fleas.jpg 
Views:	98 
Size:	9.4 KB 
ID:	290134

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  13. #2383
    Join Date
    13th January 2013 - 16:54
    Bike
    2008, Honda CBR600RR
    Location
    Auckland
    Posts
    1,123
    Blog Entries
    1
    Saturday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

    It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

    She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

    'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

    I managed to mumble in reply,

    'Can I feel your tits, then?'
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  14. #2384
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    Three women who were held as slaves in a London house have been freed after 30 years.

    A psychologist warned the worst part of their ordeal is still to come, when they discover Dubstep and reality TV.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #2385
    Join Date
    13th April 2007 - 17:09
    Bike
    18 Triumph Tiger 1050 Sport
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,802
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.


    I asked her, "Do you know him?"


    "Yes", she sighed,


    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."


    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •