Friday jokes

[Swoop]

This World Cup is working out like WW2 - France have forfeited, the USA turned up late, and England are left to fight the Germans!

[Stirts]

God and The Devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to God's surprise The Devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to The Devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The Devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

[Swoop]

The Swiss, What great roll models!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

[Stirts]

Stupid, immature idiots on Facebook constantly hassling me to 'help them with their crops' or 'find a lost lamb' on shitty Farmville.

Do me a favour and get a life.

I'm in the middle of a mafia war here... Twats.

[Her_C4]

Stupid, immature idiots on Facebook constantly hassling me to 'help them with their crops' or 'find a lost lamb' on shitty Farmville.

Do me a favour and get a life.

I'm in the middle of a mafia war here... Twats.

ha ha ha - Brilliant I hear ya'!!

[nothingflash]

Whats the one good thing about paedophiles? At least they drive slowly past schools

[one fast tl1ooo]

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[crazyhorse]

A senior citizens group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Coffs Harbour to the Sunshine Coast

As they enter Queensland , an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Texas rancher passed away leaving everything to his lovely young wife.

Needing help with the ranch she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other was a drunk and known to be very lazy. She thought about it and hired the gay guy thinking that he would be safer to have around.

Her selection proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew a great deal about ranching.
To reward his good work she let him have some time off to go into town for some fun.

Late that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room he saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
She then told him to 'come closer' as she put her wine glass down.

Then she said: 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!'
While trembling, he complied with her request and took the blouse off.

'Now take my boots off,' she said.
'Now my socks.' The hired hand again complied but was getting more and more embarrassed.

'Now take off my skirt.' He did as told and unzipped and removed the skirt.
'Now take off my bra.' And, again he did as he was told.

'Now take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.
She fixed him with a very determined look and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again then I'll fired you!'

[<G>]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb!

[slofox]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb!

Hmmmmm...my thumb is four inches long...

[crazyhorse]

Three little ducks go into a Bar...............................



'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.


'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'


'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles..'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and an
Australian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting
for fifteen bloody minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'My goodness gracious I don'tknow, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, move it, time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the green keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the green keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight!'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them!'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls!'

The Aussie said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'

[crazyhorse]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.