Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school one day.


"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.


"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.


... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and
all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,
B, C, D, E, F, G!"


"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"


"Yes, it's because you're blonde."


The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[husaberg]

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."

They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."

"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

[anebv8]

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A shag ", Paddy replies.

[anebv8]

The internet's been off for the last 2 days here, and its been too wet for golf, I actually had to talk to my wife. She seems quite nice

[anebv8]

An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had faithfully served the people of New Zealand for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
‘Yes, Father?’ said the nurse.
‘Before I pass on, I would really like to see John Key and Bill English’, whispered the priest.
‘I’ll see what I can do, Father’, replied the nurse. The nurse telephoned his request to the National Party headquarters and waited for a response. Soon word arrived; John and Bill would be delighted to visit the dying priest. As they drove to the hospital, John commented to Bill, ‘I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images, given the uproar over asset sales and dodgy spending - it might even save our political careers!”
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took John’s hand in his right hand and Bill’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally John spoke: ‘Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?’
The old priest slowly replied, ‘I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.’
‘Amen’, said John.
‘Amen’, said Bill.
The old priest continued: “Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I wanted to do the same.”

[anebv8]

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.
He was standing on a jetty on the Thames River.
He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and
it became apparent he could not swim
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a stamp!

[anebv8]

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened new store As yet,

the store isn't ready although the shelving is all in place.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here mate."

Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

[anebv8]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[anebv8]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[Juniper]

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the correct analysis to the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the answer to the math problem currently thought to be unsolvable.

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger,
the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...

[Juniper]

A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

[Juniper]

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his
life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big
city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in
it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the
image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture
of my daddy.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture
of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife
didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many
trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she
searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into
the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.

[Juniper]

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high

[Juniper]

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Paying consultants to tell you the horse is dead.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do live horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course...
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Banditbandit]

The teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

Then little Johnny shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'