Friday jokes

[Banditbandit]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

Then little Johnny's voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[Banditbandit]

I was sitting at a red stop light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of loud, bearded, young Muslims, shouting anti-English slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "My God, that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Juniper]

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[Juniper]

How many Sisters Of The Immacculate Conception, does it
take to change a light bulb?

.

.

.

Nun!

[Geeen]

For all you truckies out there.

[Banditbandit]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "If I'm very careful I think I can save you a grand ......"

[Juniper]

Men are happier than woman.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

[Juniper]

Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.
Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast

[Banditbandit]

The Pet Rooster

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"


THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. .. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID ETHEL.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"
BUT THIS ONE IS EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[Banditbandit]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

She replied: 'Your horse phoned.'

[YellowDog]

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of
them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened
what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are;
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Hinny]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, whowas surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ...."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

[Banditbandit]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to break wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

[_Shrek_]

Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were
the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile,"I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

[husaberg]