Friday jokes

[husaberg]

[Akzle]

*charades


http://aroundtheworldineightywaves.c...ry-300x300.jpg

[Swoop]

Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke? Don't care.
Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits? You have my attention!


Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi. She just keeps shouting out, "charlie, charlie, where's my fucking charlie?"


Nigella Lawson's ex-husband, Charles Saatchi, is now seeing Trinny Woodall.
That's like moving from a comfy sofa to a park bench.


Charles Saatchi has insisted that when he held his wife Nigella Lawson by the throat, he was simply "emphasizing a point".
Having accepted an official caution, the police then threw him down three flights of stairs, also to emphasize a point.


Nigella Lawson's upcoming festive TV special looks a bit dull. All about cold turkey apparently.


So that wasn't a bag of icing sugar on Nigella's worktop?


Just bought the new Nigella Lawson cook book.
The recipes are a bit short though, only a few lines every page.


Following claims that Nigella Lawson was off her head on drugs, she said her ex Husband, Charles Saatchi must have misunderstood when she said she was going to the kitchen to prepare a joint.


BBC: Nigella Lawson "off her head on drugs"
Looking forward to the new Nigella Space Cake Recipe Book!


No wonder Nigellas mince pies dusted with white powder are so addictive.


Trinny Woodall dating Charles Saatchi? One would have thought "Septuagenarian Wife Abuser" would have been pretty high on the list of What Not to Wear.


I was in a lift with Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson. They were having a conversation when all of a sudden he lost his temper.
"Take your fucking hands off her, Dickhead! Control yourself!"
He calmed down once I'd stopped groping her tits


I had my suspicions about Nigella Lawson.
When I saw her cutting up the carrots with a razor blade on a mirror.


A court heard that Nigella Lawson smoked pot all of the time.
That explains why she's raiding the fucking fridge all night on her show.


Nigella Lawson has admitted that she has been stockpiling cocaine for years - apparently hiding it in a pair of lovely big, huge, massive, shapely fucking jugs. Men up and down the country have urged her to reveal all and get things off her chest.

[roogazza]

[Banditbandit]

Letter to Pilot from a little girl whom might just have overheard a mum

[Banditbandit]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there's his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[Scuba_Steve]

[Juniper]

A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs… A green spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy – - there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

The woman stammers, “Why, yes, but how did you know?”

“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”

[Juniper]

A dream Come True One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

[Juniper]

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ... at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?". "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still." How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean--?", he replied, "...I can check my e-mail from here?"

[Juniper]

President Obama walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after George Bush walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn't want to start a political debate. When the barber finished with President Obama's hair he asked "would you like some cologne?" Obama said "no thank you Michelle will think I've been in a whore house." The other barber asks George the same question to which he replies, "Sure my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like."

[husaberg]

[husaberg]

My First Time
The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time...milking a cow.

[Swoop]

Fans of the Fast and Furious franchise are worried the next film won't be the same without Paul Walker.

Movie critics have already confirmed it will be just as shit as the rest of them.

[Stirts]

Seems Paul Walker went from Fast and Furious to Gone In 60 Seconds