Friday jokes

[EJK]

[EJK]

[EJK]

[Juniper]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and stumbles back and forth on the sidewalk.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's cock hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Juniper]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kg, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Juniper]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (5kph over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face -> PRICELESS

[Juniper]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Juniper]

A man was travelling in a crowded bus. A young lady was standing in front of him. After a while the man said, "Wow, what a big butt!"
Then the girl turned back and slapped him in the face. While she was turned back however, the man said again,
"Wow, what small boobs!"
The girl turned back again and slapped him one more time.
After a while the man said,
"Excuse me for what I said a moment ago, but if you want I can give you an advice how to make your boobs bigger."
The girl thought it over and said,
"Okay. Tell me how."
"Every morning when you get up, take a piece of toilet paper and start rubbing it into your boobs."
"Does it work?"
"I don’t know, but as I see it has worked on your butt."

[Juniper]

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went Through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher And higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an Airplane.

The next day, he called home to tell his father the news. "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the Plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and Throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man Left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He Told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door And refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He Said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or
not?'"

"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his Zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten Inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump Out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first"...

[Juniper]

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

2: Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

3: Man who run in front of car get tired.

4: Man who run behind car get exhausted.

5: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

6: Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

7: Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

8: Man with one chop stick go hungry.

9: Man who scratches butt should not bite finger nails.

10: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

11: Baseball is wrong... man with four balls cannot walk.

12: Panties not best thing on earth... but next to it.

13: War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

14: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

15: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

16: It take many nails to build crib... but one screw to fill it.

17: Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

18: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

19: Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

20: Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

21: Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

22: Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

23: Difference between pick pocket and peeping tom is the pick pocket snatches watches.

24: Gay Indian is also a brave sucker.

25: Man and mouse are the same... both end up in pussy.

26: Sex is like bridge game... don't need a partner if you have good hand.

[haydes55]

Nightline just made a funny,

"Class of '92" movie premier being reported on.

The caption when one of the one direction boys is on tv:
"Ryan Styles
Why is he here?"

[Juniper]

So God has finished creating everything and brings all the animals together.
God, "I am now going to hand out your sex lives. Man, I will give you ten years."
Man, "Is that all. Can I have more please?"
God, "No!"
God, "Lions, you are next. You can have ten years also."
Lions, "Thanks God but we only need five years."
Man, "Please can I have their other five please God?"
God, "Alright Man, but please be quiet. Monkeys, you are next, you can have ten years."
Monkeys, "We only need five years thank you God."
Man, "Can I have their other five years plaes God?"
God, " Oh, alright. Asses your next. You can have ten years."
Asses, "Thanks God but we only need five years as well."
Man, "Please, please can I have their other five years?"
God, "Ok Man but no more."
All the other animals were content with thier lot, but this only goes to prove Man's sexlife is made up of ten years of normal sexlife, five years monkey-ing around, five years of lion about it, and five years of making an Ass of himself!

[Juniper]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is Short, Smile.
Give me an Amen, Brother!

[Swoop]

I was in Glasgow today, and couldn't believe the amount of flowers, cards and other tributes placed by the Clutha Vaults.

The Scots take the loss of a pub seriously!

[Juniper]

So Abe and Yossi, two nice Jewish guys are walking down the avenue, when they see a sign at the church reading "- RECEIVE $20 for Converting"

"Hey Abe, I'm going to do it"
"What, are you crazy Yossi?"
"No really, check it out Abe..."

And with that Yossi walks into the church. So Abe's waiting for him for about 20 minutes when Yossi finally comes out, contemplative, hands gently held together.

Abe asks, "Nu..., so..., did you get the 20 bucks?"
"Is that all you people ever think about?"