Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

[Juniper]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[Juniper]

I've noticed in life that often the most beautiful women are the least secure. I want nothing more than to meet one of these insecure beauties and nurture her out of her shell until she believes with all her heart that her beauty isn't skin deep but a beacon which radiates from her very core

Then fuck her in the arse.

[husaberg]

[Juniper]

There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth, Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth. Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says you forgot my lighter bitch!

[Juniper]

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey.

[Juniper]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir,I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said,

"Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

[Juniper]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[Geeen]

10 char

[Juniper]

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants

[_Shrek_]

"Tui's" next billboard..... Banks thoroughly honest guy Key says "Yeah Right"

[Juniper]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500 .

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch Whiskey.

At the fourth house a blond in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blond fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the blond, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, "Screw him. Give him a fiver."

The breakfast was my idea."

[Juniper]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[Juniper]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

[Juniper]

A roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down a street when they see a cute young boy walk out of a shop

"lets fuck that young boy" says the priest
"out of what" asks the Rabbi