Friday jokes

[Swoop]

The helicopter that crashed into a Glasgow pub killing nine people could have destroyed a Mosque a couple of hundred yards away.

And they wonder why the public have no faith in the police!

[Banditbandit]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ....

[Juniper]

Peter Peter Pumpkin eater
Had a wife and liked to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

[Juniper]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please
find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry
about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee
apple.

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

An Englishman

a Scotsman,

an Irishman,

a Welshman,

a Latvian,

a Turk,

a German,

an Indian,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian,

a Dane,

an Australian,

a Slovak,

an Egyptian,

a Japanese,

a Moroccan,

a Frenchman,

a New Zealander,

a Spaniard,

a Russian,

a Guatemalan,

a Colombian,

a Pakistani,

a Malaysian,

a Croatian,

a Uzbek,

a Cypriot,

a Pole,

a Lithuanian,

a Chinese,

a Sri Lankan,

a Lebanese,

a Cayman Islander,

a Ugandan,

a Vietnamese,

a Korean,

a Uruguayan,

a Czech,

an Icelander,

a Mexican,

a Finn,

a Honduran,

a Panamanian,

an Andorran,

an Israeli,

a Venezuelan,

an Iranian,

a Fijian,

a Peruvian,

an Estonian,

a Syrian,

a Brazilian,

a Portuguese,

a Liechtensteiner,

a Mongolian,

a Hungarian,

a Canadian,

a Moldavian,

a Haitian,

a Norfolk Islander,

a Macedonian,

a Bolivian,

a Cook Islander,

a Tajikistani,

a Samoan,

an Armenian,

an Aruban,

an Albanian,

a Greenlander,

a Micronesian,

a Virgin Islander,

a Georgian,

a Bahaman,

a Belarusian,

a Cuban,

a Tongan,

a Cambodian,

a Canadian,

a Qatari,

an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian,

a Chilean,

a Jamaican,

a Filipino,

a Ukrainian,

a Dutchman,

a Ecuadorian,

a Costa Rican,

a Swede,

a Bulgarian,

a Serb,

a Swiss,

a Greek,

a Belgian,

a Singaporean,

an Italian,

a Norwegian

and 2 Africans,

... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai

[Juniper]

Little Johnny grew up and was getting married. He asked his friend. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?

He was told to get himself an Irish Virginity test kit.

Little Johnny asked what that was.

His friend told him to "Get a Can of Red Paint, a can of Blue Paint and a Shovel."

Little Johnny: how on earth does that work?

His friend answered: Paint your right Ball Red and Left Ball Blue and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' Hit her head with the Shovel !

[YellowDog]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office in the morning, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present Landlady.''

[Banditbandit]

People are often struck by the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry. It can bring a tear to the eye and a lump to the throat.



Australians are so remarkably blessed to have such an abundant wealth of talented bush poets, through whom future generations can learn about our history and our unique lifestyle.


Here's a classic example - a wonderfully simple, yet poignant poem about the humble tomato.



"I know a Muslim whose name is Tim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, 'cos they're still in the tin."

[Banditbandit]

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replied.

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn daylight saving, Bloody thing's an hour fast!"

[Banditbandit]

The first day back at school after the summer holidays, the teacher asks the children to stand up and tell the rest of the class what they did for Christmas Day.
“Now, Peter, would you like to start?”

Peter stands up and says, “well, Miss we are Catholic, so we got up real early and went to church for mass, then we came home and opened all our presents, then we had breakfast, then we played with our new toys, then we went back to church for mass. Then we came home and had a big lunch, and all the adults went to sleep afterwards, while us kids played some more with our new toys, and broke them all.”

“Very nice, Peter,” the teacher says “Now, Paul, would you like to tell us what you did on Christmas Day?”

Paul stands up and says, “well, Miss we are Protestant, so we got up real early and opened all our presents, then we had breakfast, then we played with our new toys , then we went back to church. Then we came home and had a big lunch, and all the adults went to sleep afterwards, while us kids played some more with our new toys, and broke them all.”

“Very nice, Paul,” the teacher says “Now, Abraham, would you like to tell us what you did on Christmas Day?”

Abraham stands up and says, well Miss, we are Jewish, so we don’t celebrate Christmas, but my father owns a toy shop, so after breakfast on Christmas morning we went down to my father’s toy shop, looked at all the empty shelves and we sang “What a friend we have in Jesus …”

[roogazza]

[Stirts]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

[MSTRS:Me]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A GENDER CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".

[Juniper]

A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mom isn't around so he asks his dad.

The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mom does.

He replied, "What she's fucking told."