Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
– John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes. When we opened them...we had the Bible and they had the land!
– Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
– David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
– Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.
– Italian proverb

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
– Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
– Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
– Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
– Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
– Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
– W.H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
– Steve Martin

America is so advanced, that even the chairs are electric.
– Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
– George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
– Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
– Robert Benchley

[Swoop]

I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself "what would Nigella do"?

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine.

[Swoop]

At a Christmas party the other day & I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

[roogazza]

Last one's not a joke but I needed to post.

[Swoop]

Scientists examining global warming are stuck on a boat in the Antarctic.

The ice is so thick it doesn't understand what global warming is.

[Geeen]

10 characters

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.

[Swoop]

It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

[crazyhorse]

One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church. He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, ''Mummy, I have to piss.''
His mother said, ''Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
His father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

[Daffyd]

Something happened to me down at the Viaduct last Saturday night. Tried to get into one of those up-market bars, and the bouncer said I couldn't come in because I didn't meet the dress standards. I asked him what was missing and he said I need a tie! I couldn't believe it in this day and age, and he knew all the shops were shut. But I got him - I realised I had some jumper leads in my car, so I went back and fashioned a tie (of sorts) out of the red and black leads.

I went back to the bar and asked him if I could come in now.

He said "OK - but don't start anything"

[Smifffy]

The same thing happened to me down at the Viaduct last Saturday night. Tried to get into one of those up-market bars, and the bouncer said I couldn't come in because I didn't meet the dress standards. I asked him what was missing and he said I need a tie! I couldn't believe it in this day and age, and he knew all the shops were shut. But I got him - I realised I had some jumper leads in my car, so I went back and fashioned a tie (of sorts) out of the red and black leads.

I went back to the bar and asked him if I could come in now.

He said "OK - but don't start anything"

How is that the same thing?

[haydes55]

How is that the same thing?

He started pissing in the bouncers ear?

[Daffyd]

How is that the same thing?

There, fixed it just for you, Smiffy. Picky, aren't we?

[roogazza]