Friday jokes

**crazyhorse** · 5th January 2014, 09:07

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

**Swoop** · 7th January 2014, 14:51

First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.

**Banditbandit** · 8th January 2014, 07:54

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

**Akzle** · 8th January 2014, 09:33

Originally Posted by Banditbandit

Moral:
Sometimes women* need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

. .

**unstuck** · 8th January 2014, 10:38

Originally Posted by Banditbandit

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

**nadroj** · 8th January 2014, 12:10

A new vibrator has gone on sale...It's so realistic,that just before the woman reaches orgasm,it cums,coughs,farts,goes limp,then switches itself off!!

**crazyhorse** · 8th January 2014, 12:41

My mum caught me going down her knicker drawer last night.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.

"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."

"I thought you were being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"

I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."

**nadroj** · 9th January 2014, 06:28

My Missus gets everything mixed up......I get my steaks well done, and my Blow Jobs are Rare.

**nadroj** · 9th January 2014, 06:32

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants wearing Labour tee shirts, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three Union flag burners, and a Jimmy Savile look-alike…….

FOR THE LAST TIME...

MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

**Juniper** · 9th January 2014, 07:50

Originally Posted by nadroj

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants wearing Labour tee shirts, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three Union flag burners, and a Jimmy Savile look-alike…….

FOR THE LAST TIME...

MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

Heard that one before and still love it.

**Swoop** · 9th January 2014, 08:35

The Pope was arguing with an Atheist about the existence of God and failing to get his point across. They had been arguing for two hours and finally the Pope in frustration sat down.

"Listen," said the Pope, "You are like a man in a dark room, with no lights and windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that isn't there. What do you say to that?"

The Atheist thought for a moment.

"Yes your Holiness, you are probably right," he said, "but you are also like a man in a dark room, with no lights and windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is, you have found the cat."

**crazyhorse** · 9th January 2014, 11:12

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."