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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #2566
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    13th January 2013 - 16:54
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    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

    Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men' Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. But I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

    But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

    Signed,
    Bob

    EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on January 4th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club ammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  2. #2567
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smifffy View Post
    The majority of those should have gone into the pics that make you jizz thread. Esp that last one
    Probably right Smifffy,
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    For juniper,
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  3. #2568
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    9th January 2005 - 22:12
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    please do not...........
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    I thought elections were decided by angry posts on social media. - F5 Dave

  4. #2569
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    25th March 2007 - 12:04
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    In days of old when men were bold
    and toilets weren't invented
    they did their load
    beside the road
    and walked away contented.

    In days of old when men were bold
    and paper not invented
    they'd wipe their arse
    with bits of grass
    which left them freshly scented.

    In days of old when men were bold
    and rubbers weren't invented
    they'd wrap a sock
    around their cocks
    and babies were prevented.

    In days of old when men were bold
    and women weren't particular
    they'd line them up against the wall
    and fuck them perpendicular.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  5. #2570
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    17th June 2010 - 16:44
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    My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

    Apparently the response: "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
    "So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."

  6. #2571
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Banditbandit View Post
    My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

    Apparently the response: "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
    Gee I guess some women can be hard to please
    Don't get me wrong The way i understand it... as long as I are finished quickly they have more time to cuddle and talk about their feelings, while i go straight to sleep.....



    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  7. #2572
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    21st January 2010 - 12:21
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    Keep on chooglin'

  8. #2573
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    13th April 2003 - 06:21
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    My Weed.....
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  9. #2574
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    8th November 2004 - 11:00
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    Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy "Man you look tired".
    The buddy says "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do!"
    A fellow sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit...!!!"
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  10. #2575
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    A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke". She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay" she says.

    After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say "Huh?"

    She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers". She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

    Jed says "Luke?" Luke says "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me, neither" says Jed "Let's take these things off".
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  11. #2576
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    It is Grandpa's 100th birthday. All the family is gathered to help him and Grandma celebrate. Someone asks how come he is so fit and healthy looking. Grandpa says "Well, it's like this. It's exercise and fresh air. When Grandma and I got married 75 years ago, we made a pact that if ever we disagreed about anything then the one who was wrong would take a walk. I've been walking every day for 75 years"
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  12. #2577
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    10 carrots actor
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    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  13. #2578
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    1st January 2007 - 09:16
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    A young boy went to his mum and said... why are you white, and iam black?
    Don't get me started says mum.
    From what I can remember of that night,,, yr lucky you don't bark
    And that is the honest truth your honour..

  14. #2579
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  15. #2580
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    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
    It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
    He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
    He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
    Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
    He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

    To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

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