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Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
It will be Friday in 4 days & I''ll be busy working on 'new' old bike...
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
a couple always had sex doggy style: He sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!'
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other Lesbian Frog?
How about that, we do taste like chicken!
One Wish - British
A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.
"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy
Gisajob
An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
Because she knows she has given her last blow job
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Barry decided to propose to Janice, but prior to her acceptance Janice felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Barry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Barry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Barry looked Janice in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Janice and Barry got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Barry whisked Janice off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Janice put her hands in Barry's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Barry ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is Barry said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the ranch...er. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
A young lady got on a train and found a seat opposite a Scotsman, who was wearing a kilt. After awhile her curiosity got the better of her and she asked him if was true that Scotsmen wore no underpants when waring the kilt. The Scotsman said " why don't you put your hand up and find out" So the young lady did, and giving a little shriek withdrew her hand quickly and said "It's gruesome"
The Scotsman said "Aye lass, and if you put your hand back it'll grew some more"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!
If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have$33.00
today!
If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!
BUT..... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!
BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!
AND,DID YOU KNOW...
A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!
Another study found that Kiwi's drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!
THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, KIWI'S GET ........ 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.
better than an Ipsum
but not as good as a Suzuki!!
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE A KIWI, DOESN'T IT?
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
BBC News....Suicide Bombers on Strike...
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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