Friday jokes

[husaberg]

My son has a speech impediment. It took him a while to tell me

[Juniper]

1.. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was
named April. The second child was named May.
....What was the third child 's name?

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole
....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5.. What word in the English language
....is always spelled incorrectly?

6.. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always
in the summer.
.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg.
....Why not?

8.. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9.. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place,

…what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of
the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
another field?

[Juniper]

1…..


Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'


Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

2…..50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[Juniper]

Clyde the chicken is trotting around the farm, and sees one of the pigs kicking back in the mud with a cold beer.
"Put the beer down, Percy! A good run will make you feel a lot better than a silly old beer-buzz!" Clyde says. Percy shrugs, gets up, and they go for a bit of a run.

They discover Steve the sheep, puffing away on a joint and looking pleased with life.
"Stub out the joint, Steve! A good runner's high will do you better than that ditch-weed!" Clyde says. Steve's relaxed and game for anything, so he joins in.

Soon, they find Henry the horse, using a razor blade and mirror to ready some lines of cocaine.
"Put the coke down, Henry! Come with us on a run! You'll feel awesome!" crows Clyde. Henry looks annoyed, turns, and mule-kicks Clyde off into the distance.

"What did you do that for, Henry?" asks Percy, shocked at the rare display of violence.

"That's all that little fucker wants to do when he gets hopped up on crack, is run." Henry replies, and takes a snort.

[Akzle]

1.. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was
named April. The second child was named May.
....What was the third child 's name?

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole
....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5.. What word in the English language
....is always spelled incorrectly?

6.. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always
in the summer.
.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg.
....Why not?

8.. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9.. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place,

…what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of
the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
another field?

johny
meat
mt everest
None
incorrectly
southern hemisphere?
Tripod joke?
Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.
2nd
noither.
one.

[haydes55]

johny

meat

mt everest

None

incorrectly

southern hemisphere?

Tripod joke?

Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.

2nd

noither.

one.

wooden legs can't take photos

[Juniper]

johny
meat
mt everest
None
incorrectly
southern hemisphere?
Tripod joke?
Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.
2nd
noither.
one.

youve seen this before havent you?




1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named
April The second child was named May.

What was the third child 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest
mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.[You're not
very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by
three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled
incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in
the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a
camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on! .... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in
second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or
"The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined
them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become
one big one.

[nadroj]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[nadroj]

Just been watching some ladies golf on TV.

They're useless at driving,but fucking amazing with an iron.

[Akzle]

wooden legs can't take photos

youve seen this before havent you?

:


never seen, i just think fucken sideways on tuesdays.

[Juniper]

One day a Caucasian, a Japanese, and a Mexican all died in a huge pile up car crash. They get to the stairway to heaven but found it blocked by the devil himself. The three men approached
Lucifer said to them you all will get one try to reach heaven..you must climb this stairway without any of the steps creaking. If you don't make it you will be mine.
The Caucasian thinking this sounded easy stepped forward as he ascended the steps he was confident that he would make it to the top.. however the 47th step creaked the male came slowly back down the steps his head hung. When he reached the devil he asked well what now? Lucifer replied with a question, what did your dad do for a living? The white male replied, he was a carpenter. Lucifer nods and says alright then I will be hammering nails through your cock the man turned pale as he was led away by a demon. The other two men soon heard screams from down below. The Japanese man went next he got to step 60 as he stepped down and heard the creak he to turned pale and broke out in a cold sweat he descend the stairs and turned to Lucifer, who asked him the same question what did your father do for a living? The Japanese man stuttered as he replied that his father had been a butcher. Lucifer nods and says then we will chop off your dick and feed it to you.. the last man the Mexican grinned and started up the steps as new screams started. He only got to step 11.
As he hopped down the last few steps and walked over to Lucifer still grinning. The devil asks him the same question. The Mexican grinned and replied he was a lollipop tester.. what are you going to do suck my cock off?

[Juniper]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service.” “Internal Revenue Service?” questioned the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

[Juniper]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota , stands up and proclaims, “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!” There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?” Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw him”.

[roogazza]

[Robbo]

Willy Nelson discusses Lance Armstrong