Friday jokes

[Juniper]

If Women Had A Penis For A Day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY men can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9……

[Juniper]

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?”
The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.”
“Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said.
“Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked.
“Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

[Smifffy]

If Women Had A Penis For A Day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY men can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9……

Further proof that women just don't get it.
9 & 1 are the only ones guys even care about.

[ellipsis]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Japan and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play
an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Japanese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...........

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

[Juniper]

heres one you might have heard a blond speeding down the highway gets pulled over by the police. the officer walks up and looks at this totally hot blond in the car and ask for her drivers license and registration. she sits there with a blank look on her face for awhile when the officer say "in your purse and or glove compartment mam". with a smile she replies "oh right " then digs everything out and hands it to the officer. he takes the information back to his car and relays it over the air. the dispatcher comes back "is this woman a super hot blond?" the officer replies yes. "when you go back have your cock out don't ask why say nothing just do it". so the officer heads back to the car hands the woman back her license and registration. she puts it away and turns back to the officer, see his cock looks up at him and states "oh no not another breathalyzer"

[Smifffy]

heres one you might have heard a blond speeding down the highway gets pulled over by the police. the officer walks up and looks at this totally hot blond in the car and ask for her drivers license and registration. she sits there with a blank look on her face for awhile when the officer say "in your purse and or glove compartment mam". with a smile she replies "oh right " then digs everything out and hands it to the officer. he takes the information back to his car and relays it over the air. the dispatcher comes back "is this woman a super hot blond?" the officer replies yes. "when you go back have your cock out don't ask why say nothing just do it". so the officer heads back to the car hands the woman back her license and registration. she puts it away and turns back to the officer, see his cock looks up at him and states "oh no not another breathalyzer"

Those cops must have gone to popo college with Shipton...

[Juniper]

A blonde read a book on ice fishing and was fascinated by it so she went out and bought all equipment. The next day she got up early to go fishing. She set up her equipment, cut a hole in the ice and dropped her line. Then she heard a voice saying "there's no fish under that ice". She looked around and didn't see anyone so she packed up her things and moved a little further down the ice. Again she set up her equipment, cut a hole in the ice and dropped her line and she heard the voice louder say " THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE", looked around didn't see anyone so she moved even further down the ice. She started to set things up when she heard "HEY BLONDY I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE". She looked and didn't see anyone so she looked to heavens and said" is that you lord?" Then the voice said " NO IT'S ME THE ICE RINK MANAGER".

[Juniper]

A penguin is driving his car on a hot day, when suddenly he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and because it's so hot, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. He makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers, and gets covered in ice cream.

When he's finished, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin is shocked, and splutters, "No no, it's just ice cream!"

[Swoop]

If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 100kph, in a forward direction with no obstacles:;at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?

[ellipsis]

A Blonde's Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make cordial.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

[_Shrek_]

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a Chinese pastry shop.

The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the Chinese baker doesn’t notice.

The Aussie says to the Kiwi "You’ll never beat that!"

The Kiwi says to the Aussie "Watch and learn!"

He says to the Chinese baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The Chinese baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the Chinese baker:

"Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The Chinese baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."

The Chinese baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too.

Now the Chinese baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick you broody Kiwi?"

The Kiwi says: "Look in the Aussies's pocket!"

[YellowDog]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.'

[GSW]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left..
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
What the hell are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Juniper]

a blonde walks into a bank and asks if she can have a $5,000 personal loan . The loan officer asks for collateral and she says " you can hold my Lamborghini".The next day she leave her car at the bank for them to hold. A month later she comes back and asks " how much do I owe" and the loan officer says " with interest it will be $5,200" so she pays him the full amount plus the interest. With a puzzled look on his face he says "Miss you are one of the richest women in New York, why did you need the $5,000?" she then replied " Where in New York City can you park your car for $200"

[Juniper]

A guy walks up to his buddy wearing a purple and brown plaid suit.

His buddy say," What the fuck man?"

He says, Oh its that wife of mine-I sent her to Cox's to get me a seersucker suit, she went to Sears and got me a Cock Sucker Suit!