Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 O clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[crazyhorse]

With time,
women gain weight
because we accumulate
so much information
and wisdom in our heads
that, when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror,
I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!



Must be where the saying
'Smart Ass'
came from!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Working For the Council


A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

[shafty]

Best Scottish pick up line ever;



A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'Naw naw love', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I
was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!'

The Scotsman taps his watch " Och, bloody thing - it's an hour fast"

[crazyhorse]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'..
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[crazyhorse]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Bald Eagle]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

More likely was a Pebkac error, which translates to Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

[crazyhorse]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

[one fast tl1ooo]

Keep on Singing?
George, Jack and Simon were at a conference together in Chicago and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were upset to hear that the lifts in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

George said to Jack and Simon, let's break the boredom of this horrendous climb by concentrating on something more interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jack can sing songs for 25 flights, and Simon can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor George stopped telling jokes and Jack began to sing. At the 51st floor Jack stopped singing and Simon began to tell sad stories.

'I will tell my saddest story first,' he muttered gloomily, 'I left our room key in the car.'

[doc]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.


So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'


Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.

My wife won twice last week.'

[Swoop]

I've never seen the fascination with teabagging.
Dropping my bollocks into the wife's tea just burns like fuck.





The other night, there was a mosquito buzzing right in my ear.

I thought there was a World Cup match on.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Shop Signs - Play on Words
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Where's the English Channel? I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

[crazyhorse]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.


Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.


Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'


Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, B-U-G-G-E-R A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.


Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.

You always need more paint.

You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete