Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

Martha recently lost her husband.



She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.


Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

'Herman, remember that car you promised me?

Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?

Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,

She said,

'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'

[crazyhorse]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[Swoop]

I've just started a company selling prayer mats with bombs hidden in them outside mosques.

Business is booming!

Prophets are going through the roof!

[Banditbandit]

Here's got to be on ofc the sickest one of all ...

Heard in a pub:
"I found out my mother was a porn star in the 1970s ... I don't know what is worse ... the fact that she did it, or the fact that I didn't stop masterbating when I recognized her face ... "

[slofox]

Here's got to be on ofc the sickest one of all ...

Heard in a pub:
"I found out my mother was a porn star in the 1970s ... I don't know what is worse ... the fact that she did it, or the fact that I didn't stop masterbating when I recognized her face ... "

Ye gods..!

[Swoop]

The verses banned from primary schools:


Old McDonald was dyslexic
I E Q Z P





Old McDonald had Tourettes
E I Cock Bollocks CUNT.

[slofox]

The verses banned from primary schools:


Old McDonald was dyslexic
I E Q Z P





Old McDonald had Tourettes
E I Cock Bollocks CUNT.

Very good...'specially the second one. As a one time Touretter myself, I can appreciate it...

[crazyhorse]

A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

[Stirts]

The three stages of married sex:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

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Marriage is like that film 'Sex, Lies, And Videotape'.
Only without the sex. And the videotape.

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Whenever I tell my wife, "I love you, plain and simple," she never seems to realise that I'm insulting her.

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Marriage, just one small word, yet it can make anal sex too painful and oral sex disgusting

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New statistics are out. The most popular position for married couples is Doggy Style.
The husband begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead

[Swoop]

... and the wife rolls over and plays dead

Aah! The good old "English position"!!

[one fast tl1ooo]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[crazyhorse]

new pill out..................

[one fast tl1ooo]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[crazyhorse]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'