Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A couple are driving down the highway .the husband is driving, nice music on the radio when suddenly the wife says "Honey I want a divorce". Not saying a word the husband goes a little faster.Then the wife says 'I'm in love with another man" and the husband goes faster, then she says " I'm in love with your best friend" so the husband goes faster. Then she says " and the kids aren't yours so their coming with me" so the husband goes even faster. then she says " and I want all the property". Now he's going120 MPH and she asks " is there anything you want?" Finally he speaks and says " no I got all I want" so she says " and what's that?" Then he heads for a cement wall and says " I got the airbag"

[Juniper]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[Juniper]

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

[Juniper]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

[Juniper]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"

[Juniper]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them ...is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

[YellowDog]

I was so depressed last night thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc. that I called a Suicide Hotline. I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck........

[MSTRS:Me]

Legend says that the old Ponsonby Hotel in Auckland is haunted by two gay ghosts. As well as scaring the customers they are also known for putting the willies up each other

[Swoop]

Legend says that the old Ponsonby Hotel in Auckland is haunted by two gay ghosts. As well as scaring the customers they are also known for putting the willies up each other

Hudson and Halls?

[ellipsis]

Old friend Tom, was an 80-year-old rancher in town.


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.


Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.


Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.



Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'



Now, the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.


Tom thought that this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.


About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town, again.


'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.


Tom proudly said, 'Good -- she's pregnant.'


The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And, how's the hired hand?'


Tom said, 'She's pregnant, too.'


Don't ever underestimate old guys .

[husaberg]

ten carrots

[ellipsis]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York,
and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane.



He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and, Bingo! - She
took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States.


"He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."


Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
Quick as a flash .. ..





"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[blackdog]

For fried-day.

[Juniper]

This farmer buys a new young rooster, He took him home and put him in the coop the older roster that was there says to the younger one " The farmer bought you because I'm getting old and he's going to shoot me, so I'm asking rooster to rooster make pretend were in a fight so I can save face in front of the chickens" and the younger rooster agreed. The farmer heard this noise in the chicken pen so thinking a fox was in there he got his gun and ran outside To his surprise he saw the younger rooster chasing the older one so he shot it. Shaking his head as he went inside he said " God Damn 3rd queer rooster I shot this week"

[Juniper]

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and
take
all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY_ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to
self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: All of them!

Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?
A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Computer: Insufficient information.

Q: Have you heard about the book on Betazeds?
A: It's by: Ophelia Paine.

Q: Have you read the book "Go to Warp 9..."?
A: It's by: N. Gage

Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid

Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?
A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.

Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin

Q: What did one Borg say to one another right before their ship was
destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoisted by our own Picard.

Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.

Q: Why don't the Borg go to prison?
A: Because they obey the Lore!

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!

Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!

Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first
experiment
was a disaster; the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid
of it
by jettisoning it out of the hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him
do it,
and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall.

Spock, Spock.
Who's there?
Epsilon.
Epsilon who?
Epsilon way to Tipperary...

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of
the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style
six-guns.
You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.

Mr. Spock: "What is formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?"

Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a
peephole
into her cabin door.
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

Q: Why was Star Trek so successful?
A: It had good Genes.

McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"

Mr. Spock: " A Syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give
me an
example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"

The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr.
McCoy
nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim. "Thanks," she answered. "I
weigh
one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"

Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.

Q: How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not
marrying Spock?
A: They were Stonned.

Q: What are eyeglasses called on Vulcan?
A: Spocktacles

Mary Sue: "I just got engaged to Kevin!"
Mary Jane: "Oh, really?"
Mary Sue: "No, Riley." (really atrocious, ed.)

Q: What kind of noise is made my Vulcan popguns?
A: T'Pau (an atrocious ""classic"", ed.)

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

New crewwoman: "Where do I eat?"
Uhura: "You mess with the officers."
New crewwoman: "I figured that, but where do I eat?"

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?

A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.