Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

A supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney , Australia

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

No one buys toilet paper there anymore

[roogazza]

[cc rider]

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,

But one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to crochet.

[husaberg]

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
a $100 bill!

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? : Snowballs.


What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
Single.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs.

Why did god invent alcohol? So ugly women can get laid too.

[Jase H]

Sheep

[husaberg]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.


Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house,
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”
“If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him:
“Then you try again…!”

[husaberg]

[Geeen]

Picture]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to husaberg again.

[Swoop]

I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi.

You ban gays from your town and interior design is going to suffer!

[roogazza]

Tomorrow is Friday.

[Daffyd]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes a look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[MSTRS:Me]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello" said the little boy "Hi" replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home" answered the little girl. "I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill" replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my mum's going to skin me alive!" said the little girl. "My mum'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet" replied the little boy.

"I'll tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: "You know, I never realised before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!!"

[Reckless]

few for the day!!

[Robbo]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

[Akzle]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LMFAO.
i must spread more before i rape you again.