Friday jokes

[cc rider]

Two Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[swtfa]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"But I will still kill you in two days.."
"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST....TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"

[husaberg]

...................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,........... .mmmmmmmmm<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[husaberg]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[husaberg]

[Robbo]

A petrol station owner in
Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with
Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were
close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in
for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry,
it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not
rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[husaberg]

[cc rider]

Sitting in a Yorkshire pub , Dudley was enjoying an ale with a friendly Scot and a chirpy little Irishman.

"Y’know", said the Scotsman “ I like this pub, but I still prefer the pubs back home."

"Why there’s a little pub called McTavish’s. The publican there goes out of his way for the locals, so that when you buy your first four drinks, he tosses in the fifth for free,"

"Same back home in Australia" said Dudley.
"At My local, if you buy two schooners, the publican always gives you a third for free."

"Ahhh, that’s nuthin'." said the Irishman.
"Back home in Dublin there’s Dillons’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in he place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Bullshit, I don’t believe you." scoffed Dudley. "Did this actually happen to you ?"

"Well not me meself personally, no." Said the chirpy little Irishman.

"But it did happen to me sister."

[cc rider]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,
'Knicker Stitcher . . . I sew da elastic onto ladies knickers and thongs . . .'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious . . he stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers were unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.

'I sew der elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, deesel fitter`!!

[Swoop]

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in South Auckland.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

[Geeen]

This is a good laugh

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=777_1392789840

[Geeen]

/./././././././././/./././/./.

[Banditbandit]

A balding, white haired man from Toronto, Ontario, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000’, the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir... There's no money in that account.'

I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend’!

[Banditbandit]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page..."Passing motorist save little girl from being eaten in Lion attack."

So then, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE BIKIE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

....and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

[Stirts]

So Harold Ramis from Ghostbusters died.

That makes him the enemy now.