Friday jokes

[ZeroIndex]

lol, came across this one and although I don't really care too much for fishing, it made me laugh anyway:

Why Fishing is Better Than Sex

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[cc rider]

Happy Akzle



You reposted it too ya dick

[Akzle]

Because it's Friday in 4 days...


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

four.
Four fucking posts.

Shit should be illegal.

[Juniper]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you need to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt. screw, etc. when dropped rolls to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - When you key a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal and someone always answers; conversely, when someone calls you in error, you have to stop whatever your doing and clean off your hands before you pick-up the phone to hear whoever was calling hang-up.

5. Law of the Supermarket - As soon as you get in the shortest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Law of Variation - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you had been in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath or Shower - When your body is fully immersed or drenched in water, the phone will ring.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will work.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to one's reach.

11. Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beverage, or the toilet; and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. Those people in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies; and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. Law of Coffee - As soon as you sit down to drink a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a fabric surface are directly correlated to the cost, newness, and stain-ability of the surface.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Happens often on Kiwi Biker.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, it will stop being made or stop being sold in the shops.

19. Doctor's Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; however, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment you'll stay sick, get worse and wind-up in the hospital.

20. Law of Not Sharing - If you don't share this, your belly button will unscrew and your ass will fall off.

[Juniper]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison
me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what
I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?”
The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

[Juniper]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[cc rider]

If already posted... Not really caring too much

[Juniper]

A guy decided that he wanted to be a black guy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.

So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.

Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?"

"Si."

[Juniper]

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."

[Juniper]

There's a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'there's plenty more of that where i come from'.

The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'there's plenty more of those where i come from'.

Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

[Juniper]

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:


English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Älskar dig

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,Texas Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky...

Nice Tits

[Juniper]

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his butt off.

"Why is it so d*** cold down here?" Peter asks.

The devil replied, "Well, ever since you sent that new guy down here, I'm afraid to bend over and pick up the firewood!"

[Juniper]

What is the difference between three big cocks and a joke?

Your momma can't take a joke...

oops.

[avgas]

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"


Applicant: "My honesty."



Human Resources Manager: "I can't agree with that. I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness at all."



Applicant : "I don't really give a shit what you think, you ugly fat cnut!"

True story....
recently I had a similar question posed to me from a recruiter whom really wasn't interested in putting me forward to a client. This on top of a very bad day I was having.

"What is your greatest weakness?"

"I'm not a huge fan of wasting my time, and it creates a short fuse on me"

"Do you think your wasting your time right now?"

"I came to get a job, as of yet I don't have a job, if I don't get a job through you than yes, yes I do think I am wasting my time"

"That's a very negative attitude"

"It is, but thankfully I am honest."

I didn't get the job. Should have told them I was a really good liar, and everything is rosy.

[Reckless]

Racist as hell but couldn't help laughing out loud