LOL not what I thought when I clicked on it(didn't eat it ?).Originally Posted by Reckless
Only got two today so here's a picture of my pussy (Max, Miss).
Enigma
LOL not what I thought when I clicked on it(didn't eat it ?).
Only got two today so here's a picture of my pussy (Max, Miss).
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY, "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS":
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain there were too many Spanish people there.” “The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE TOO!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Hardcore Biker
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"Do you mean a Martini?" asks the barman.
"If I wanted two I would ask for them," says the Roman.
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
A lesson on how consultants can make adifference in an organization.
Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Mike's Place,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most
frequentlydropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Meow
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral.
==========
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
One day in the Garden of Eden Adam is just throwing around but God notices that there's something wrong with the way Adam is walking. He doesn't look hurt he just doesn't have that spring in this step that he usually had is walking around in the beauty and majestic missives Garden of Eden.
So God calls down to Adam and asks what's wrong my son you don't seem happy you seem as though something's bothering?
Adam says well father I look around at all the other animals and I see that they have someone for them. That person seems to make them happy and allows them to make a family. I don't know what it feels like I just know like but I just feel like it's missing from my life.
God takes a minute and thinks about it and then replies, I knew this day would come my son and there's nothing unnatural about it. For you Adam I can make something called a woman to complement you as a man. She will follow every order that you give her, she will cook for you, she will live to satisfy you sexually, she will never talk back, she will clean for you she my son will do anything you require of her.
Adam without missing a beat and overly excited says I want that father!!!!
"There's is just one problem Adam" God says
Adam ask what's wrong father??
To create a creature like this and going to take from you both an arm and a leg.
Adam thinks for a few minutes when he finally looks up towards the heavens and says " father what can I get for a few ribs "
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
Johnny goes into a pet store determined to buy a talking parrot because he thinks they are cool. Upon arriving he approaches the store owner and explains his needs. The store owner nods his understanding but explains that he has no such parrots available. Infuriated that the store owner obviously thinks he is stupid he points to a beautiful Macaw in a large cage and says “What about that one?!”
“Oh sir…. You don’t want old Mel.”
“Oh?” he asked impatiently “why is that?”
“Old Mel used to belong to a sailor on an oil rig who died a tragic death. During his time there he learned every bad work in the book. I ended up having to adopt the bird as I could not sell him due to his language.”
Johnny walked up to Mel’s cage and he and the bird eyed each other up and down…
“Hello!” said Mel
“Hello!” said Johnny
“You’re a snappy dresser!” said Mel
After a very lengthy “conversation” Mel had not uttered a single curse word and seemed polite as can be. Johnny insisted on buying the bird and the store owner agreed but advised that there could be no returns on such a purchase.
Once home Johnny took the cover off the cage and Mel looked the place over. “Kind of a messy place fuckhead.” Johnny gasped but then regained his composure. Obviously it was an anomaly.
Over the next few weeks Mel’s language got steadily worse. Soon everything he said included an F-bomb or calling Johnny an Asshole. Johnny was miserable until he suddenly got a phone call from the hot new girl at his office he had been pursuing for weeks. She wanted to come over that night for drinks. Suddenly Johnny’s mood changed and he was as happy as he could be when he agreed to the drinks and hung up the phone...He was happily in bliss when Mel’s shrill voice sqwauked,
“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”
“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”
“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”
“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”
No matter what Johnny said Mel just kept repeating it over and over. Desperate for a solution before His new lady friend came over he called the store owner. “You have to help me! This bird is foul mouthed just like you said and I have a woman coming over!”
“Well sir the only thing I could think of is to get a female parrot for Mel to be distracted with. Then maybe he won’t bother you and your lady friend”
“Fine! I’ll do it how fast can you get the bird here?” Johnny asked
“Oh sir I am sorry I have no parrot in my store. But if you want I can loan you this female owl I have? Just as a loaner until I can get you a parrot.”
Johnny agrees and a few hours later just minutes before his date arrives the store owner drops off the female owl in its own cage. Mel is dumbfounded and for the moment silent as he inspects his new neighbor. Johnny thanks the store owner as obviously their plan is working flawlessly and the store owner leaves.
Ten minutes later the bell rings and Johnny’s date arrives. Things go smoothly for about an hour as the drinks pour freely and Johnny and his date get more and more cozy until eventually the tension in the room bursts and they find themselves all over each other pawing, grasping, kissing, and throwing clothes everywhere….Johnny and his date are naked and he is between her legs. The tip of his Fully erect penis is just about to press against her moist waiting mound when……
Suddenly in a loud voice Mel screeches “SOMEONES GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!”
The owl, now awake, answers “Whoooo….Whooo…”
Mel looks over and Squawks “Not you! You big eyed son of a bitch!”
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
KB's Chief Cats
that Is a very long joke for very little punchline.
Hardcore Biker
Try this:
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Likes Jiggle in the Wiggle
Bored........
Meow
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Hardcore Biker
My wife and I were happy for many years.
Then we met.
Meow
These two guys go down to their local bar. Like any normal Friday night they have a couple beers. Suddenly one of them looks stunned, shocked and amazed all at once...
"What is it Walt? What's wrong???", the other one asks.
"Rick, look over there...at that table...I swear it's Hitler."
Rick turns around with a huge smirk on his face, and then slowly turns back looking white as a ghost..."Holy Shit Man...sure looks like him!"
They order a few more beers, and egg each other into to going over and talking to "Hitler"... Several bottles of liquid courage later, they agree to go over together. So they walk over...
"Excuse me sir?" says Rick.
"Vhy yes? How can I help you?", replies the man in English with a heavy German accent.
"Uhhhh, uhhhh...." stumbles Walt, "uh we were over there drinking and we, uh, saw you, and uhhhh, we thought..."
"We thought you looked like Hitler!" Rick chimes in.
The man smiles and gives a small nod, he sips his beer.
"Well are you Hitler?" says Walt.
The man looks them up and down, and says, "Vhy, yes. I am Adolph Hitler." Hitler toasts his drinking companion and they both smile.
Walt and Rick look even more shocked. They manage to blurt together, "What...what are you doing here?"
Hitler talks briefly to his drinking companion in German and then switches to English, "Vell me and my associate here...Ve are planning the second Holocaust and the return of Our Glorious Reich. You see, Ve have learned a lot in the last several years and this time Ve are sure Ve will vin. Ve are going to take over the vorld, kill all the Jews, and two clowns."
Walt looks at him and shakely says, "Two clowns???" He and Rick start edging away.
Hitler slaps his drinking companion and shouts, "SEE! I told you no one cares about zee Jews!"
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautied frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
how do you confuse all of South Auckland?
Tell them it's father's day.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
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