Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'


She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'


He insisted, 'You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

[Swoop]

Nike have just introduced a new shoe exclusively for lesbians. They are called " Nikes-4-dykes".


They have 50% more tongue and you can get them of with one finger.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[crazyhorse]

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

[one fast tl1ooo]

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be still distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village.

[crazyhorse]

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

[one fast tl1ooo]

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut

[one fast tl1ooo]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"

[one fast tl1ooo]

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[crazyhorse]

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74! ... .... ..... ...... ...


I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

[Banditbandit]

This guy went into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch ...

[Edbear]

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74! ... .... ..... ...... ...


I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

I live at number 10. I think 74 is the retirement village further up...

[BoristheBiter]

Did you hear that the chief sensor has reclassified the movie Twilight due to its sexual context.

He was quoted as saying "its a just story about a girls decision on either Beastyality or necrophilia"

[one fast tl1ooo]

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The 2.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[Swoop]

Listening to a censored Eminem song on the radio is a lot like having a conversation with someone on the Telicom XT network.