Friday jokes

[Juniper]

A lawyer, priest, and doctor are the last survivors of a sinking ship, floating in a lifeboat for several days.

Finally, they spot land, about 200 yds. away, but they're in shark-infested waters, and they have only a long rope to pull the boat to safety. The doctor offers to swim to shore while holding the rope, saying that he was a star swimmer in high school. The priest offers to do so, saying that the Lord will save him. With that, the lawyer jumps into the water with the rope, and pulls the other 2 to safety.

When the others ask him how he survived the sharks, he replied, "Professional courtesy."

[Juniper]

A man and six women survive a cruise ship sinking and get washed up on a desert island. The ladies decide to have the man one day a week and on Sundays he can rest. The man is happy with this but after several weeks he begins to tire. One morning another man is washed up onto the beach in a lifeboat and the first man thinks, 'Great now I can share the ladies'.
The man in the lifeboat greets the man on the beach with, "Ooo, Hello sexy!"
The man on the beach thinks, 'Oh shit, there goes my Sundays!'

[Juniper]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God
bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
*The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to do."*
The next day grandpa died.
*The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the
father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like
this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." *
The next day the grandmother died.
*"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."*
*Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."*
He practically went into shock.
*He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.*
*He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound. *
Finally, midnight arrived ; *he breathed a sigh of relief and went
home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?" *
*He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."*

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my
lesson." *

[Juniper]

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re likely to find out.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “Frankly, you’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I need to turn on my answering machine.”

[Juniper]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . .

[Juniper]

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines."

[Juniper]

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

[Juniper]

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

[Juniper]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

[Juniper]

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[gjm]

[Juniper]

A Businessman was at a company dinner and was sitting next a rather pretentious women who was very opinionated about any new subject any of the others diner's were talking about. He decided enough was enough, so bought up the Subject of Fornication vs Adultery The women went into along diatribe on the meaning of each. He waited until she had almost finished and remarked "Obviously you have experience of them both and can't tell the difference either " There was a pregnant pause at the table she slammed her glass down got up and went away immediately after the whole table started clapping.

[Juniper]

Rob crashed a party last night, before he was kicked out I overheard the following between him and a woman at the bar:

Woman: Hey, Rob, want to hear a joke?

Rob: Yeah!

Woman: Pussy.

Rob: I don't get it.

Woman: Exactly...

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Husband :-I lost my wife she went shopping and still not reached home yet.
Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband :-I never noticed.
Sergeant :-Build?
Husband :-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant :-Was she going in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode.
And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

…………….and then the husband started crying...

Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.