Friday jokes

[Juniper]

South Korea are due to launch an investigation into how a passenger ferry managed to sink in the Yellow Sea.

After seeking expert advice from the Malaysian Authorities, they have decided to start by searching the Atlantic Ocean.

[Juniper]

A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job . . . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Juniper]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Juniper]

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

[Swoop]

I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

[caspernz]

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

The best part is that in quite a few US states where gay marriage is now legal, pot is now also legal... I wonder why?

[Akzle]

The best part is that in quite a few US states where gay marriage is now legal, pot is now also legal... I wonder why?

i know this one!
Its biblical.
"if a man should lay with another man, he should be stoned".

[anebv8]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Hoboken, wanted to expand the line of furniture. He decided to go to Paris, to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new purchase, he decided to visit a small tavern and have a glass of wine.

At the crowded bistro, he sat enjoying his wine. There was the only vacant table in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table. She asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand). He motioned to the vacant table and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English. She did not understand him. He took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin. He drew a picture of a plate with food. She nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet restaurant that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the band stopped playing. Back at their table, the young woman took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
.
.
.


To this day, Murphy still cannot figure how she knew he was in the furniture business.

[caspernz]

Q: What do a canoe and a kayak have in common?

A: They make roughly the same amount of rubble when run over by a truck...

(From the "one bungee cord will do" files)

[Swoop]

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

[YellowDog]

Q: What do a canoe and a kayak have in common?

A: They make roughly the same amount of rubble when run over by a truck...

(From the "one bungee cord will do" files)

That might be a rumble, rather than rubble

[husaberg]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'


The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'


Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

[Juniper]

Many of you 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how you should present yourselves. Feeling 'young' , you try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And, Most importantly

At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

[Juniper]

A man was hospitalized for having six plastic horses in his ass....

The Dr. listed his condition as stable.......

[Juniper]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n
Female..... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.