Friday jokes

[Juniper]

#5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

#4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

#3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[husaberg]

Bear walks into a pub.

"I'll have a pint .................................. of lager please"

Barman says "Why the long pause?"

Bear looks at his hands and says "I was born with these"

[husaberg]

If women are so great at multitasking then why is it so hard for them to have sex and a headache at the same time.

[Juniper]

I called into work and said, Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?

I'm not coming into work this morning!


I once called into work and screamed, "I can't see...I can't see..."
the manager who took my call asked, "what who is this, what's wrong???"
I replied with my name and employee number and said "I can"t see myself coming into work today!" and hung up....

I was trying to get fired. Sadly the manager said that was the best call in he had ever received and wrote me down as sick..

[cc rider]

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" She asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

[roogazza]

I called into work and said, Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?

I'm not coming into work this morning!


I once called into work and screamed, "I can't see...I can't see..."
the manager who took my call asked, "what who is this, what's wrong???"
I replied with my name and employee number and said "I can"t see myself coming into work today!" and hung up....

I was trying to get fired. Sadly the manager said that was the best call in he had ever received and wrote me down as sick..

Ha ha Like that !
True story here. I was a young cop in a Watchouse early 70s. An older cop rang in on a Saturday night (for nightshift 11pm start) and just said 'Ha ha ha hee hee hee I'm having a sick ee ee !
Only trouble was I hadn't answered the phone,an old bastard sgt had.
The Sgt went to visit him and found him playing table tennis !
He arrived at work shortly after !!!!!!

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"

[Juniper]

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

[Juniper]

The nutty professor was teaching a class about theoretical physics, when one of the students puts his hand up.

"Yes" said the nutty professor

" Schrodinger's experiments are the best part of a century old" said the student, " how can this relate to me?"

So the nutty professor told the student, "I have stuck your family on a plane from Malaysia to Beijing, now tell me if they are dead or alive"

[Juniper]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED .....

[Juniper]

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.

It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol I'll find other boyfriends.

[YellowDog]

The bronze rat

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbor and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Blimey no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a Poof, and an Indian spin bowler.

[Juniper]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement, and extending the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabby and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive
man less than 3 ft. tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented England in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of… "

The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker.

[Juniper]

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin.

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her:
"Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of
you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
foot and a half!"

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."