Friday jokes

[Juniper]

After having their 11th child, a West Auckland couple decided that they had enough kids. So, the husband and wife went to the doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told them that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was more expensive than they could afford. The doctor knew the family didn't have much money, so he proceeded to tell them about an alternate treatment.
The doctor instructed the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Westie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor told him that was the cheapest alternative he could think of, and the man was still not satisfied.
So, the couple drove to Remurewa to get a second opinion. The Remurewa physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed on the form that they were from West Auckland.. (And the income range block on the form was filled in with the words "what's income.") So this doctor also proceeded to tell them about an alternate method of treatment. He told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, stopping to buy a cherry bomb along the way. When he got home, the man lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[Juniper]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a bottom-feeding scumsucker, and the other's a fish.

[Juniper]

A woman before bed tells her husband " I can get a pair of giant tits put on for $ 2000.00 do what do you think" ? The husband thinks for a minute then says " I got a better idea. Just rub your tits with toilet paper everyday." The wife says " what your crazy & cheap." He says " maybe so but just look what it did to your ass."

[Juniper]

Two attorneys are having lunch together when this incredibly sexy & beautiful woman walks in. Look at her damn she is gorgeous. Would I love to fuck her. The other attorney says " On
what grounds ?

[Juniper]

Guy in a bar walks up to a girl and says:
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

[Juniper]

As it says two Italian guys go deer hunting. They camp out in tents the whole experience. On the last day they get a huge 5 point buck.
So they start dragging it by its antlers to camp when a more experienced hunter sees them & offers some advice. " Hey fellahs nice one you got there but hey drag him by his rear legs to camp. It's easier & faster."
So the two Italian hunters say thanks & try it. One says yeah much easier. So they start off again. About an hour later one Italian says to the other "you know this dragging by the legs is quicker & easier only thing is we're getting further from our camp."

[Juniper]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fuckin' widow."

[Juniper]

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 250 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

[Juniper]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Juniper]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the
local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting …
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women in general ...pathetically all in the name of
humour!”
The embarrassed
ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman
yells

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to
that little shit on your
lap!"

[Juniper]

The teacher started class with,

"Tomorrow, boys and girls, is Thanksgiving Day. We will not have school.

Many of your families will have a big meal, with lots of very nice dishes"

Many of you will have turkey and stuffing, but not all of you will."

So, today, I have brought samples of some of the meats your families may have tomorrow. As I call your name, you may come to my desk. I want you to close your eyes and open your mouth. I will place a small piece of meat in your mouth. Then, I want you chew on it and, then, tell me what type of meat it is."

The teacher called on Billy first. After Billy had tasted the meat, she asked, "What sort of meat is that, Billy?".

Billy replied, "I'm not sure, Teacher".

The teacher explained, "It swims in the water and makes a quacking sound".

Billy exclaimed, "Oh, I know. It's a duck".

"That's right, Billy. Now, you may sit down and I want Hattie to come up".

The teacher followed the same routine with Hattie. Hattie immediately beamed and proudly said, "Oh, teacher, that's chicken. We have it every Sunday when the preacher comes for dinner".

The teacher replied, "Very good, Hattie. It is chicken. Now, you may sit down and I want Mary to come up".

Mary dutifully closed her eyes and opened her mouth. The teacher placed a morsel in Mary's mouth and instructed her to chew on it.

After a few seconds, Mary said, "Teacher, I don't righly know what this is".

The teacher asked, "Well, Mary, when your Daddy comes home from work, what does your Mommy call him?".

From the back of the classroom, Little Johnny jumps up and shouts...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Wait for it ...
...
...
...
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...

"Spit it out, Mary. It's SON OF A BITCH !!!".

[Juniper]

I am so sick of My agnostic dyslexic friend
every other night he wants to come over and discuss the existence of dog

[Juniper]

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

[Juniper]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[Juniper]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road ?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!