Friday jokes

[gjm]

I am so sick of My agnostic dyslexic friend
every other night he wants to come over and discuss the existence of dog

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog...

[Juniper]

10 Redneck Pickup lines

1: Did you fart? Cuz you blow me away!
2: My love is like Diarrhea...I can't hold it in.
3:I got a six pack of beer and the new Hank Jr CD.
4: Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
5: You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in my driveway.
6: Are your parents retarded? Cuz your special.
7: You're not the best looking girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8: Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9: Hey baby! Nice tooth!
10: Wanna come over to my trailer, drink some beer and see my new velvet Elvis painting?

[Juniper]

** Breast ID System **

(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

()()
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

()(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts

[Juniper]

Tiger Woods has now teamed up with Pfizer drug company to create a new male enhancement product- Tiagra.
.
.
.
.
It's good for 18 holes.

[Juniper]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[Juniper]

THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW ANSWERING SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969669696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Of after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have ADD look at your hand, yell at the dog, remember the phone, start a grocery list, go pee.. Don't worry the phone will automatically hang up in 2 minutes because you forgot you called us.

[Juniper]

A man is dying with his wife at his side. He says “Dear I have something I need to tell you.”
She holds his hand and says “Don’t worry about it”.
“No really,” he says “I have to tell you before I die, I had sex with your sister and two of your best friends”
She holds his hand, smiles and says softly “I know that’s why I poisoned you.”

[Juniper]

- Take One

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

[Juniper]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[Juniper]

Redneck's Magic trick

A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You
rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this, any redneck is
smarter than a black guy, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then
he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one, too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

The redneck eats this one, too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous
magic trick?"

The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

[Juniper]

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

[Juniper]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse. was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

[Juniper]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

[Banditbandit]

[unstuck]