Friday jokes

[anebv8]

How to give a cat a pill

Position right forefinger and on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.



Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.



Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.




Call spouse in from the garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.



Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.



Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.



Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.



Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.



15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in hamburger.

2. Toss it in the air.

[gjm]

[Erelyes]

Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

[roogazza]

[Geeen]

Heard this the other night

An Irishman is at a job interview with a blacksmith, the blacksmith asks "Do you have any experience shoeing horses?"
The Irishman replies "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off...."

[Swoop]

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

[Juniper]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal s$x?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

[Smifffy]

Jesus walks into an Inn, throws 3 nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Juniper]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix
the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[Juniper]

what did the native girl say after losing her viginity?

"Fuck dad, get off you are crushing my marlboro's!"

[Juniper]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

[Stirts]

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles... The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...

[Juniper]

Sherlock Holmes and his ever-faithful friend Watson are on a camping trip.
During the night, as they lay in their sleeping bags, Holmes nudges Watson to wake him up, and bids him to look up at the sky.
"What do you see?" asks Holmes.
"The night sky" says Watson.
"And what does this tell you? Asks Holmes.
"That we are but small pieces of a much larger world, so large, in fact, that it becomes difficult to imagine what the future portends", says Watson.
Whereupon Holmes sits upright, turns to Watson and says, "Watson, you cunt, it means some bastards stolen our tent!"

[Juniper]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!

Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton
Die on the same day and they both go
before St Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
Them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then,pisses into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is out raged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

[_Shrek_]

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.