Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

[cc rider]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[gjm]

[Swoop]

Two Irishmen walked into a bra.. One said to the other "that's da first time auto correct has gone in me favour!"




My wife bought me a new tank top today and my Muslim neighbour came straight round to tell me he didn't like it.

I said, "Why, what's your fucking problem?"

"The turret is pointing straight at my house." He replied.



I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way... but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Arthur, age 92 and Emily, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist.

Arthur suggests they go in.

Arthur addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the Owner?
The Pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Arthur: "We're about to get married. Do you sell Heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Arthur: "How about Medicine for Circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Arthur: "Medicine for Rheumatism, Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Arthur: "Medicine for Memory Problems, Arthritis, Jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety....the works!"

Arthur: "What about Vitamins, Sleeping Pills, Antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Arthur: "You sell Wheelchairs and Walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Arthur says to the Pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

[gjm]

The England football team visited an orphanage in Brazil, earlier today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

[Swoop]

I see that England have a new Captain!
His name is Bryan Smith and he will be the British Airways Captain for the return flight home!

[gjm]

My daughter was looking for material for a skit in the school production...

[cc rider]

Irish Birth Control


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles.
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome,
to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[husaberg]

Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls
in the office had removed their clothes and were lying
on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her
dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down
the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is
a stick up, not an office party

[YellowDog]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?'"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ?Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 62 years."

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid! "

[husaberg]

Not often I find something that I was actually looking for a picture of.