Zombies Are Just Misunderstood
Scooter boy
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Argo Solvo Interio Putus
Hardcore Biker
Zombies Are Just Misunderstood
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, .....
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
Zombies Are Just Misunderstood
My grandmother died in the 80’s & I like to think I was her favourite grandson. Her birthday is coming up & that always causes me to reminisce: the long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a day out. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"Always remember this," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger."
Grandma was special.......
Anorak
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken
Hardcore Biker
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I'd rather be sorry for something I've done, than for something I didn't do.
Hardcore Biker
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.
I'd rather be sorry for something I've done, than for something I didn't do.
Forum whore
" Rule books are for the Guidance of the Wise, and the Obedience of Fools"
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
The head teacher from the school called me today.
"I've just caught your son having sex with Sarah Jones," he said, "I am totally disgusted."
"Me too," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Enigma
You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
I was just reading through the iTunes licencing agreement.
Honestly, I don't think I'd have installed it if I'd read it first time around.
'..will not use this software to aid in the manufacture of biological or chemical weapons.'
FUCK YOU APPLE!
If I want Anthrax on my iTunes I'll fucking have it!!
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Hardcore Punk
Originally Posted by Swoop
For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.Keep an open mind, just dont let your brains fall out.
God's Evil Twin
Not sure why, but I find this quite amusing
Science Is But An Organized System Of Ignorance"Pornography: The thing with billions of views that nobody watches" - WhiteManBehindADesk
Rolling Italian Orchestra
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen
Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that
Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'
L'arte italiana cammina su due rotelle!
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