Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[cc rider]

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[haydes55]

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed at their elimination from the world cup, the captain has decided to reimberse all the Nigerian fans who spent money to go to Brazil and watch the games.

To claim your reimbursement, send your bank account details and password to:
P.O. Box 118280
Nigeria

[cc rider]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUN SLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUN SLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUN SLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?

THE GUN SLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant..
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[unstuck]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
> six days.
>
> Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day,
> resting. He enquired of God,
>
> 'Where have you been?'
> God pointed downwards through the clouds.
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
>
> 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going
> to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
>
> 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For
> example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
> wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over
> there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there
> I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent
> of black people.'
>
> God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will
> be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered
> in ice.'
>
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another
> area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
>
> 'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious
> place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football
> teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the
> home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers,
> explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are
> going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
> found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-
> working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the
> world as speakers of truth.'
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
>
> 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
>
> God replied very wisely,
>
> wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to
> Govern the country!'

[cc rider]

[Swoop]

I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis... only smaller."

So I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible."

[anebv8]

An old couple went to the doctor for the husband's check-up. The husband was very hard of hearing. The nurse came out and called his name and the husband says (kinda loud as you would expect) "What did she say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor is ready to see you."

In the treatment room. the doctor came in and asked him a question and the old man said "What did he say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor asked if you are feeling okay."

So the doctor did a few more checks and they encountered few more episodes if the old man not understanding and the wife interpreting.

Finally, the doctor said "everything looks good but I need to run some final tests and I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample." The old man yelled "What did he say?"

The wife responded to him simply saying "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."

[Swoop]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!

[unstuck]

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath,
he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,
when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
*
*
*
*
*

'Bugger off'.
she said,
'they're for the funeral.'

[cc rider]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

[cc rider]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[cc rider]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.