Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that

could pay him more.



There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,

"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year,

and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!

"More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says ,if the preacher stays I will provide him with
all the wine he wants.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide,
holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from side to side, while his wife replies,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, "Screw him!"

[crazyhorse]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And thats when the fight started

[crazyhorse]

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a twist; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Tough, Rangi


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a Maori outside a Welfare office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by Prime Minister Key and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in South Auckland from the Hokianga with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

Rangi now got bolder.. "I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live up North.. I want to bring them all down here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking a bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a real New Zealander with good clothes instead of these torn clothes. And I want to have white skin like the majority of New Zealanders" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a "Yeah Right" Tui T Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . ... ..... .... . ..........





NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . .... . . ......... ..... ...


The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Rangi, now that you are a white New Zealander, you have to fend for yourself.."

[crazyhorse]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.



She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust'



And then the fight started..

[one fast tl1ooo]

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

[Swoop]

I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I was so scared, I ran away.
It was my first French kiss.


Im into S&M, im also into necrophilia and beastiality.
my missus reckons im flogging a dead horse.



What does a Paralympian fear the most? Testing positive for WD-40!

[Banditbandit]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat."

....He never heard the gunshot

[one fast tl1ooo]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

[crazyhorse]

Tough, Rangi


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a Maori outside a Welfare office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by Prime Minister Key and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in South Auckland from the Hokianga with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

Rangi now got bolder.. "I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live up North.. I want to bring them all down here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking a bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a real New Zealander with good clothes instead of these torn clothes. And I want to have white skin like the majority of New Zealanders" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a "Yeah Right" Tui T Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . ... ..... .... . ..........





NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . .... . . ......... ..... ...


The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Rangi, now that you are a white New Zealander, you have to fend for yourself.."

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock

[Swoop]

New Zealand Headlines: "First NZ troop killed in Afghanistan"

Second New Zealand Headline: "New Zealand admits defeat in war with Taliban"






All the numpties had to start saying "bring the troops back home"...

[Swoop]

You know the women that say:

"Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?"


You're fat. Stop making fucking excuses.

[crazyhorse]

The $100 TATTOO



Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, "Where in the hell have you been'??"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "'What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got 2 x $50 notes tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Larry is now recovering in Ward 23.

[crazyhorse]

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs

were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation

when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,

stood right in front of them

and opened his trench coat.




Gertrude immediately had a stroke.


Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble,

couldn't reach that far.