Friday jokes

[cc rider]

(Borrowed from another site)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, One note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[Swoop]

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[gjm]

[gjm]

Mate of mine said to me earlier "I'm thinking of buying one of those things."
"What things?" I asked.
"Don't know what they are called," he says. "Like a van, but with bed and a stove and a fridge in it."
"Camper?"

My mate puts one hand on his hip, raises the pitch of his voice and says "I'm thinking about buying one of those things...."

[cc rider]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[avgas]

Rachel Hunter?......is that you?

I apologize to the mods re: image quotes, see I even took it out of quotes and everything.

[Swoop]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside "I'm not dead! I'm not dead!"

To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!"

[Banditbandit]

[Banditbandit]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been
in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did.
I'm a morganner! ' he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965.

Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

basket asked....

'what did you teach?'

[Ender EnZed]

What in the fuck is going on here?

http://www.trademe.co.nz/motors/moto...-760507044.htm

[Laava]

That was a fuckin good buy for eleven hunge!

[Robbo]

That was a fuckin good buy for eleven hunge!

Great buy for that price, should tidy up well for very little outlay.
Did you read some of his replies? I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle on the weed.

[Ender EnZed]

I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle

I had to check the location a few times.

[Akzle]

Great buy for that price, should tidy up well for very little outlay.
Did you read some of his replies? I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle on the weed.

get phucked, i wouldnt hang out with that dropkick. What kind of fag calls themself 'bubbles'??
Oh-kay, schweet oi.

[nadroj]

1. Kama sutra: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs; and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men have high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
5. Difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
6. Three people having sex - a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So, someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.