Friday jokes

[Ntoxcated]

I heard that Robin Williams isn't dead - he's just stuck in the jungle waiting for someone to roll a 5 or an 8.

[cc rider]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

[Swoop]

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2007, trying to put a Mitre10 garden shed together.

[cc rider]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She put them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gun shot!

[YellowDog]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ...... back and forth ... back and forth ..... in and out .......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed .....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay! I can t park the bloody car!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[Swoop]

I've adopted a little African child. I worried that he wouldn't adapt well to our way of life...

So, to make him feel at home, I put a treadmill in front of the sink.

[roogazza]

Sunday pics

[unstuck]

[gjm]

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week," the Frenchman said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd," the English doctor exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big... My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Ahh, you English, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavour!"

[gjm]

My daughter was on Trade Me this morning.
Social Services aren't impressed.


You know you're getting old when you walk past a couiplle of priests and they don't even look at you.


Finally there is some good news for the homeless.
79% of accidents happen in the home.


I always carry a picture of my wife and daughter in my wallet.
It reminds me why there is never any money in there.


It's a medical fact that if a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.
If she gets to finish the bottle she might suck it as well.

[roogazza]

[gjm]

A man was walking through town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything."

The man could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Deciding to test this, the man said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".

The salesperson said, "A jumper for a chicken? Hold on, I will have to check in the stock room".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go sir, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked the man astounded.

"Three bucks." replied the salesperson.

"Three bucks for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said the man.

So away he went as happy as Larry.

Further down the street though he thought to himself that maybe he’d been done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

The man was mad and so he stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the salesperson, "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what is going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens.....
.... all we had was a pullover for a cock."

[gjm]

[roogazza]

[_Shrek_]

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'